the sky is gorgeous

thinking

2007-01-19T22:38:00.000-06:00

Hello there. There’s something about writing on word that I don’t like. Like I’m not connected or something. I rather it be on the internet but it’s like it’s too public. Whatever. I wonder what Sylvia Plath would have done if she had lived now. Probably would have been on medication. Probably wouldn’t haven’t have been so unbalanced hopefully. I feel for that poor girl. I’m not mentally ill like she was but I understand what not having control over your mind and moods is like. And I understand how she felt about stuff too. I wouldn’t have a good while ago but now I do. The way she talks about stuff and people like it’s so very complicated and so earth shattering. I realise now that I feel the same way about things. I think a lot if not most people do because what she was doing was putting feelings into words. Feelings are very very complicated when you put them into words and try to explain their intricacies. I so understand.

( ... )

Anyways. I’m bored tonight. Bored bored bored bored. Writing doesn’t help me now really. It’s too … something. I’m so restless inside these days. I’m trying to find fulfillment in alcohol, reassurance from my mother, smoking, music, reading. None of that really fulfills me these days. Talking to Julie really makes me happy often enough. Talking to Lisa too. Actually talking to people is what makes me happiest and most fulfilled these days. Also listening to music. Also thinking about things. This summer’s shaking up has given me a new kind of consciousness. I’m more open, I see things I wouldn’t have seen before. I relate to people and their experiences more because I’m more sensitive, more empathetic so I listen more to them. I pay attention to things I wouldn’t have before. There’s really something to be said about suffering. In fact I think suffering can be the best thing that can happen to a person because … what is it? It forces you to … to … not take things for granted. And when you don’t take things for granted you look past those things you took for granted. You realise that those things aren’t just there. Actually you realise that they are there. You realise that that thing you took for granted is something that can be “taken away”, so to speak. You realise that things can change. And when you realise that things can change … it’s almost like you’ve been standing in a room in one spot for a long time and then all of a sudden you realise that if you stand in another spot in the same room what you see is very different from what you were looking at before. But before you thought that the room only existed in the point of view that you were looking at before. So it makes you realise that if there is one other way of looking at the world that means that there must be others. Not just those two. That there is so much more to the world than your own experience. It makes you value things more.
But that’s if there’s happiness too I think … I don’t know.

Sugar

2007-01-14T12:36:00.000-06:00

"aka Sucrose, Glucose, Fructose, Kiddie Crack

(...) Drug addiction is defined by a three stage process which includes increased consumption, withdrawal symptoms when a dose isn't available and an urge to relapse even after the drug has been completely removed. Aside from common life experience of these traits by sugar users, clinical studies on rats have shown the addiction pattern at work. The more refined the sugar, the more intense the addiction.

(...) Sugar becomes a social problem because of three major factors. First, society is generally in denial about sugar's addictive qualities. Second, refined sugar is rampantly available in nearly unadulterated form in every single food store in the United States. And third, these refined sugar products are overwhelmingly marketed directly to children by adults who have no moral qualms about using sophisticated psychological techniques to manipulate six-year-olds.
(...) "

http://www.rotten.com/library/crime/drugs/sugar/

Sometime in Oct./Nov. 2006

2006-12-19T12:23:00.000-06:00

Hello there. Life. I'm liking life these days. It's interesting and not too harsh. Fear of ...* is hard. The hard isn't just a word. There's a whole lot of meaning punched into that word. When I say it I really mean it's hard. It's a full word, full of real feeling. I think of life without that worry and life without it would be sweet. But I'm starting to think about it differently. Maybe it's a good thing in the long run. Maybe only because I have to. Because I have to but it's true at the same time.

*didn't want to say what it is

cool!

2006-11-25T14:16:00.000-06:00

Wealth is the number of things one can do without.

-Fyodor Dostoevsky

It's not an earth-shattering statement but it made me laugh when I read it. It's so true. Unfortunately I feel like a slave to certain things in life, like the internet, my watch, BUYING STUFF! I really enjoy spending money on wine, clothes, food, etc. One of my faults. Is it a fault? I don't know. But I do wish I didn't like it so much, because then I would save more money. I'm not terrible with money though. I have always been in the habit of saving a certain amount, thank goodness.
Anyways, later.

Primo Levi

2006-11-02T15:28:00.000-06:00

... a country is considered the more civilised the more the wisdom and efficiency of its laws hinder a weak man from becoming too weak or a powerful one too powerful.

- Primo Levi
Survival in Auschwitz

Believe

2006-10-02T11:13:00.000-06:00

BELIEVE
From Run Lola Run soundtrack

I don't believe in trouble
I don't believe in pain
I don't believe there's nothing left
But running here again

I don't believe in promess
I don't believe in chance
I don't believe you can resist
The things that make no sense

I don't believe in silence
'cause silence is so slow
I don't believe in energy
The tension is too low

I don't believe in panic
I don't believe in fear
I don't believe in prophecies
So don't waste any tears

I don't believe reality
Would be the way it should
But I believe in fantasy
The future's understood

I don't believe in history
I don't believe in truth
I don't believe there's destiny
Or someone to accuse

I want you to try try
No needing to know why why
No kidding, no sin, sin
No running, no win, win

No angel, no girls, girls
No memories, no gods, gods
No rockets, no heat, heat
No chocolate, no sweet

I believe

I wish I was a hunter, in search of different foods
I wish I was the animal, who'd fit into that mood
I wish I was a person with unlimited breaths
I wish I was a heartbeat that never comes to rest
I wish I was a stranger who wanders down the sky
I wish I was a starship in silence flying by
I wish I was a princess with armies at her hand
I wish I was a ruler who'd make them understand

I wish I was a writer who sees what's yet unseen
I wish I was a prayer expressing what I mean
I wish I was a forest of trees that do not hide
I wish I was a clearing, no secrets left inside

This poem/lyrics gave my soul deep mournfoul thrills when I read it last summer. It just ... I don't know. One of the few poems I can stand reading. I love it. It's a personal feeling though, so I doubt many people will like it the way I do. But who knows? Maybe someone will. I just wanted to share it. I think one of the reasons I like it is that you're not supposed to understand it really. There may be a hidden meaning but I think the point of it is that it's everywhere and the message is vague, strange, dreamlike. You just take it for what it is.

bungalaboo

2006-09-09T07:46:00.000-06:00

I chose to title this entry "bungalaboo" because I had no idea what else to call it. It came to me in a vision in the night ;) .
Anyways, here's an interesting passage from A Slender Thread by Diane Ackerman.

"Anxiety, dread, panic, aversion, depression. A small demonology of our age. It makes one anxious just to name them, and most people will eagerly perform any ritual, wear any amulet, intone any magic that might keep these demons at bay. But they warn us of potential dangers, so we can prepare. Indeed, the full bouquet of our cherished traits and tastes, as well as the bestiary of our negative behaviours, evolved at a time when humans lived in small bands of hunter-gatherer-scavengers. To us, their lives seem arduous and uncertain, but heaven knows what they would make of ours. The only thing is, we still navigate by their maps, still respond according to their instincts, still act like hunter-gatherers, though we grapple with problems they would not have encountered, understood, or valued.
Shedding the centuries, falling backwards down a time well, I picture the small bands of humans from whom everyone on earth descended. Our terrors are their terrors, our hungers their hungers, our pleasures their pleasures, our worry their worry. We speak the same emotional language. Only the details have changed, as our vocabulary evolved to cope with everyday life, but our emotional grammar did not. We carry many of the same psychic burdens, only the satchels are different, how we fill them, and where we lay them down. We're prepared for their world, not ours, and strain doesn't begin to describe how emotionally off-balance, misfit, and cramped we sometimes feel, as we try to improvise with outmoded tools. Anxiety, that masochistic terrier of one's own devising, played a life-saving role in our ancestors' lives by alerting them to potential threats so they could plan a response. 'A tiger may be in that grass,' one instinctive train of thought might go, 'it looks like the sort of tall grass tigers hide out in. If a tiger is hiding there and attacks me, what would I do? Did I just see the grass move? Maybe not. On the other hand, maybe I better check again.' By attacking what we value most, chronic anxiety slowly brutalizes one's sanity, burns up needed calories, interferes with work, and damages the body by flooding the tissues with cortisol, a stress hormone. Costly strategy, that. Obsessive worry about non-existent tigers might indeed lead to an infestation of stress-related illnesses, but overlooking only one hungry tiger could result in instant death."

This passage is only relevant, I suppose, to those who believe in evolution. I do. It struck me when I read it.
Anyways, I haven't written in a long time. Almost three months. It's been a bit of a difficult summer for me so I haven't felt like writing. Some good times too though definitely. I'll probably write again soon.

Ode to the Lemon

2006-06-23T08:17:00.000-06:00

So, when you hold
the hemisphere
of a cut lemon
above your plate,
you spill
a universe of gold,
a
yellow goblet
of miracles,
a fragrant nipple
of the earth's breast,
a ray of light that was made fruit,
the minute fire of a planet.

Pablo Neruda, "Ode to the Lemon" in Elemental Odes (1954)

Nice.

wee morning rambling

2006-06-02T01:17:00.000-06:00

Hi there. I'm writing hoping to exorcise some of the things I've been feeling. The things I end up feeling all the time, the feelings I get that are so predictable. Tonight I went out drinking and danced and stuff. I also smoked while not drunk. EEK! I don't ever smoke unless I'm actually drunk. The thing is, whenever I go out and drink and get a little crazy I usually regret it a bit in the morning and I feel depressed and obsessed about whether or not I acted too stupid and not myself. I'm so scared of not being myself or something. I don't know. It wasn't fun tonight. I felt a bit of attraction towards Martin S. tonight. I was pretty sure he was attracted to me. The last time I saw him he got on my nerves. I liked him better this time except he was too cold and ... nonchalant ... or something like that. I don't know. It was weird. I don't understand. At the party there was a moment where we clicked. It lasted about a minute and then it more or less went away. I felt like I would want to have spent more time just talking to him to let our chemistry develop. It's so wrong at the same time though because he's only 19 and I'm almost 23. Isn't that kind of wrong? Anyways it didn't stop me from feeling like there was something. The first sign that made me think that was - when we were outside smoking and talking - he said it's hard because he's like attracted to 22 year olds but he's only 19, 20 in September. I can't even really say he's almost 20. Anyways. What I liked was at the end of the earlier party he asked me to go out for a cigarette before we left for partying. It was like there was all this possibility of chemistry, attraction, that could develop into anything. Who knew? But it ended quickly and nothing came of it really, except that he invited me to go out with his brother and their friends.

Tonight I knew I was hot. I knew tons of guys would notice me. I don't care how that sounds really. Anyways. Of the group of 5 guys I knew 3 of them found me attractive. I always feel so damn GUILTY when I don't give them what they want. I'll tell you one thing that turns me on, and that's when a guy tells me he thinks I'm hot. The last time a guy told me that it made me crazy. If Martin had I would have been "his", so to speak, if you know what I mean. But it has to be said in a certain way, honest and raw, no pretense, no pretending, just an honest saying of it. It's like the quickest working aphrodisiac for me.

For some reason things never clicked between Martin & Smyk and us. We never really got along. We never really had real fun together. Somehow we don't speak on the same level. I know all this is of no interest to 99.99999% of the population but I'm writing about it anyways because I want to.

Should I listen to my instinct about how I feel after having drunk and been a tiny bit crazy on the dance floor? No matter what there're always this part of me that feels it's all wrong, deeply unsatisfying, just not me. Maybe it's because I'm only pretending to have a good time. I'm so sick of pretending, but I find it so hard to show what I really and truly think and feel to people.
I find it hard to do what I really want. This guy I met at this party I went to last Friday is just okay. I don't think anything could happen really, even if he's good looking. He's annoying. Thinks he knows all this shit when really his knowledge isn't all that accurate and he's so fucking sure that he's right and he knows his shit. He was trying too hard to show me that he's really cultured and knowledgeable. Bla bla bla. I want a guy to not play games. I don't like games. They're fucking boring and stupid. I want honesty. I was realness. That's the only thing that'll get me into it. The rest is of no interest to me whatsoever. I like real attraction. If a guy likes me I want him to just tell me. You don't need to be a "gentleman". That's fucking boring and stupid. I'm not made of goddamn glass. I can do things for myself. Not that they're bad people because of it. It's just not what I want. I don't want to be smiling all the time. If Martin had just come out with it it would have been all over. And I would have been all over him. I really feel right now like it has to be the guy to make the first move. He has to show me that he's interested. Anyways. So that's it. That's the revelation to myself of the night.
Anyways, I have to sleep.

Biodanza

2006-05-30T20:44:00.000-06:00

What do you think about more controlled dancing, like ballet or ballroom dancing? What about the new Techno and Rave dance culture?

Formal dancing can be extraordinarily rigid. It usually has an aesthetic objective - it is not aimed at inner transformation, or expressing the joy of movement. Ballroom dancing is fun, but it doesn't have a deeply transforming power. Contemporary dance, which is often influenced by African rhythms, can be quite spectacular. But it still aims at putting on a show or performing. My problem with disco and rave dancing is that there is a difficulty in communicating with people. With the lights, you can't really look into another's eyes, and to look into someone's eyes is much better than any drug! Also, the high volume of the music doesn't allow us to talk. And the style of the music is very mechanical - it's not an organic music that stimulates the emotions. It stimulates rhythmic movement only. The poetic side of movement is gone.

http://www.biodanza.co.za/about_founder_interview.html

Grrrr. In many ways I agree with what this guy is saying. I feel that way about those dances too. BUT, who the hell is he to say that those other dances don't have a "deeply transformative power"? What if some people really like ballroom dance, formal dance? What if that's what makes some people really happy, liberated, passionate? Who the hell is he to say that it isn't as good as the kind of dance he teaches? Grrr. What if some people wouldn't like biodanza? What if it just isn't them? Formal dance isn't what would make me happy, but I know it makes some other people happy. That's fine with me. Live and let live. I have seen lots of people doing formal dance and being absolutely, passionately in love with it. It gives them a glow because they're doing something they love. Good for them. "Also, the high volume of the music doesn't allow us to talk. And the style of the music is very mechanical - it's not an organic music that stimulates the emotions." It doesn't stimulate his emotions. He doesn't feel it's "organic music". Aaaargh. I'm positive there are some people who are made very happy and satisfied with disco and rave music. He seems like a cool guy, but it pisses me off so much when someone assumes to know what's good for everybody else just because it's good for them. Different people need different things.

Anyways. That's something that really pisses the fuck out of me.

Music

2006-05-23T15:48:00.000-06:00

Last night I smoked weed and listened to music. Oh my Gosh. At one point I was listening to Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin and I realised the extent of its brilliance. I swear the music took me in and took me on a ride. My consciouness was inside the song and I was riding on it, letting it take me like I was surfing in its depths, knowing it completely. Amazing. I wasn't just hearing it. I was in it. How is it possible for a song to be so good?

That's how I used to feel about Smells Like Teen Spirit. I know I've talked about it before. But what's so interesting is the fact that when I was eleven or twelve, I had heard the song maybe once or twice, and I literally knew that it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever heard. It seemed divine to me. It's strange to think of Smells Like Teen Spirit as beautiful but I can't think of any other word. It's so satisfying to listen to. It seems to me like it's picked up on this thing that's in the world, or a feeling/s that people get, or an atmosphere, a vibe, and it embodied it through music. There's this rage in it, this harnessed wildness. It's controlled but in a good way. It turned that thing that's in the world into a clear message, an eloquent and articulate holler of rage and pent up energy. It hisses and spits fire and does away with goddamn hypocrisy. There is no hypocrisy in the world of Smells Like Teen Spirit. It laughs in its face. Not only that, it does what writing does. It turns that uncomfortable thing in the world into something beautiful and satisfying. Amazingly it's a healing song because it acknowledges that deep malaise and allows the listener to exorcise it somehow. It's like the song is a conduit out of which our own feelings can be vented. Anyways, music blows me away. I love it.

They say Yoga increases creativity. Hmm. It's funny because I have done a lot of therapy, I do yoga, I eat better than most people, I do more than a minimum of exercise, yet I still feel like my life isn't what it should be. So what is it that I have to do to have the life I want? I think yoga & etc. helps, but I can't rely on that to change my life in a way. But how but how. I'm sure I know how.

from Stones from the River

2006-05-18T15:49:00.000-06:00

The context of this passage is an outdoor piano concert given for the children of this small town.

A hand- Eva's hand - touched her hair, drew the fear from her heart. Fingers twirled the ends of Trudi's pigtails to form curls, combed through them as if no one else were there. Mute with sudden bliss, Trudi glanced at her friend, but Eva's eyes were on the pianist as though unaware of the gift she was bestowing, and Trudi understood that the love she felt meant far more to her than to Eva. Already she sensed that this was love at its purest. She tilted her head, glad that her hair was beautiful as its fine, thick texture grazed her neck and slid through Eva's fingers. The scent of fresh grass and ancient lilac bushes was overpowering, and she wanted to cry when Eva took her hand away, but it felt as though the music continued to touch her hair.

- from Stones from the River, by Ursula Hegi

I like that passage. Trudi is a little girl who is a dwarf, so it's difficult for her to make friends. Eva is only her friend outside of school. I like this passage because I understand that ''love at its purest''. I think it's one of the best things that can happen to you. It's divine and wonderful and everyone should get to feel it. I'm sure many people do fortunately. That's when I feel thankful to God. Which is weird because in many ways I don't even know if I believe in God. But when I think of love like that I do. It's hard not to. It's funny how often the best things are really the simplest things, the most natural things.

friendship

2006-05-05T20:38:00.000-06:00

I like what I write. I like myself. Amazing that I'm saying that. It's not everyday that I feel that way. But these days I feel a nice blanket of friendship surrounding me. I feel like my efforts at having more friends has actually borne fruit. Is that an actual expression? "Borne fruit"? It seems to me it is but I'm not sure. Anyways. Yeah I think it is. I feel like I have more people to talk to. I've sometimes wondered why I'm still friends with Julie. Because for so long I forced our friendship in a way. I was so scared of not having her as a friend that I sort of forced myself to be friends with her, which sounds bad I know. But I really do value her. I like talking to her. She is such a good friend. She is so dependable and there for me. I remember that when we started out being real friends it really was real. For years we had hung out without really being real friends and then suddenly we really were friends. It's so weird. I don't think that happens often. We have been hanging out together for about ten years. Insane.

Hmmm. Well. My cousins are also very important to me. I have three female cousins on my dad's side and I am friends with each of them in a different way. They are each of them so different from each other I can't believe they're related to each other. I would like to write an ode to each of them. Lisa, the vegan animal rights warrior and wild feminist anarchist revolutionary. Lisa never ceases to amaze me. I have never met anyone who is so volatile. Her life is everywhere. She can't stay in one place, she can't be rooted. She is so restless. It seems to me her life changes every single day. She can take so much. How to explain? She was in PEI recently and this guy who she drums with in a band hitchiked for fourteen hours to get to her and upon arriving gave her a thirty page love letter. Everywhere she goes she runs into people she knew on the other side of the world. She lived in New Zealand for a couple of years. Living in Brooklyn a couple of years later she finds out a couple of her friends from NZ are living right there in Brooklyn very close to where she is. She was almost kidnapped once. Another time pirates or whatnot were pointing guns at her and the other people on her anti-poaching sea vessel. She has been arrested in the US and in Canada . There is something in her vibes, in her way of being that attracts adventure, amazing and unusual experiences and even chaos.

This isn't really an ode to her exactly. This is a few days later so I'm not inspired to continue with this entry, but I thought I'd post in anyways.

About Household Toxins

2006-05-04T08:38:00.000-06:00

Most Common Household Toxins Checklist

By Ben Kim, D.C.

Do not use plastic containers or plastic wrapping in the microwave.

Heating plastic containers or plastic wrapping in the microwave can release phthalates into your food, which are chemicals that have been strongly linked to endocrine, reproductive, and developmental problems.

Steaming is the very best method for heating leftovers. Cookware that is made out of heat-resistant glass, ceramic, and stainless steel are safe for cooking and heating your food.

Do not use scented household cleaning products, including air fresheners.

Scented cleaning products almost always contain phthalates.

A healthy and effective cleaning product is vinegar. Vinegar, diluted with water, can be used to clean all hard surfaces. Vinegar can also be used as a laundry detergent - about half a cup per load is usually sufficient.

Do not use liquid or bar soaps that contain the antibacterial agent, triclosan.

Exposure to triclosan has been linked to immune system dysfunction and death of human gum cells.

Water and plain, unscented ivory soap are sufficient for washing your face and body. If you do not wear cosmetics, do not work with oil or gasoline, and have a relatively healthy lifestyle, use of plain ivory soap can be limited to once every few days.

Place a carbon monoxide detector on every floor of your home, and one as close as possible to your furnace, if applicable.

If you have a garage that is attached to your home, don't leave your car in the garage while it is warming up. Even with the garage door open, a car that is warming up in the garage can potentially lead to carbon monoxide seeping into your living space through poorly insulated or constructed walls.

Do not use teflon-coated cookware.

If your financial circumstances are such that you have no alternative to teflon-coated cookware, make sure that there is food in the cookware whenever it is heated. Teflon-coated cookware that is heated without food in it, even for a short period of time, can produce fumes that are associated with an illness called polymer fume fever.

Strive to stay away from all artificially scented personal care products and cosmetics.

As mentioned above, scented products almost always contain phthalates. Hair spray and perfumes also tend to contain volatile organic compounds, which are linked to a number of respiratory, neurological, and developmental health challenges.

Lipstick and nail polish should be avoided whenever possible, lipstick because of its proximity to your digestive tract, and nail polish because your hands tend to come into contact with your largest pores on a regular basis.

Do not buy products that come with a stain-guard or stain-repellent.

Some types of furniture, clothing, and carpet come with a stain-repellent that is made with perfluorinated chemicals, which are closely associated with many different types of cancer and developmental problems in children.

Consider testing your home for radon.

Radon is a colorless and odorless gas that the U.S. Surgeon General points to as being the second leading cause of lung cancer. Radon can be present in dangerous amounts in a home that sits in an environment that is rich in uranium. The only way to know with certainty if you have a dangerous level of radon in your home is to test for it. For more information on radon and how to test for it, view: A Citizen's Guide to Radon, published by the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency.

As life circumstances permit, choose organic/wild foods.

An especially important point under this category is to avoid factory farmed salmon, which are typically concentrated with PCBs (polychlorinated biphenyls). PCBs are still present in our environment despite being banned as an industrial chemical in the States and in Canada decades ago. Exposure to PCBs is closely linked to an increased risk of developing cancer and neurological problems in a growing fetus.

http://drbenkim.com/articles-household-toxins-checklist.htm

Writing

2006-04-25T15:22:00.000-06:00

The first lie of fiction is that the author gives some order to the chaos of life: chronological order, or whatever order the author chooses. As a writer, you select some part of a whole; you decide that those things are important and the rest is not. And you will write about those things from your perspective. Life is not that way. Everything happens simultaneously, in a chaotic way, and you don't make choices. You are not the boss; life is the boss.

-Isabel Allende

http://www.isabelallende.com/curious_frame.htm

That's how I feel about writing my journal. I really find that when something happens that bothers me, it is much more bearable once I've written about it. I really feel like I'm giving it some order, some tangibility. It doesn't really solve my problem but it stops being this scary airy thing I don't understand. In a way when I write it down I'm changing it. I'm making it an interpretation rather than scary reality that is just there, universal, unprocessed. Does anyone know what I mean? Anyways. I find it all so fascinating.

Consumption

2006-04-22T12:28:00.000-06:00

I was just thinking about economic development. I think that if we put work into making every person's quality of life improve, it is complete stupidity and short-sightedness not to put at least as much energy into making all production sustainable. If more people have more money, that means they can buy more. If they can buy more, then they will use more and therefore waste more. It does not make any sense whatsoever to work towards reducing hunger and poverty without putting at least as much energy into making ALL businesses and establishments and INDIVIDUALS environmentally responsible. I think it should be on everyone's minds to live and work and produce and do everything in a sustainable way. To me that is just the most common sense thing. If we truly want to be responsible people that is what we have to do. I know that it's hard to do, but it sure is possible. What on earth is the point of working towards everyone in the world having some kind of quality of life if there is a very real possibility that there wouldn't even be enough resources on the earth if that was achieved?

I'm trying to change my anger at what's going on. Because when you think about it, what's the point of me feeling angry at people for not seeing my point and not agreeing 100%? That actually does not accomplish anything. What's so important about other people agreeing with me? Well it is important in the sense that it could inspire them to change their habits and become more aware, but if I put too much energy into feeling angry that other people don't think the way I do and in wishing they would change ... I'm not channeling my energies properly I think. I would have more chances of making people less wasteful, or of there being a little bit less waste, if I worked on some larger scale. If I worked at changing the way things are done at a higher level.

I think my actions in terms of peronally trying not to be wasteful in my everyday life IS a good thing and in keeping with what I think can actually effect change. But I feel I should be doing more. For love of the earth and beautiful life. There is nothing more important than life. When I say life I don't mean the life we each live but life forms. All life is so beautiful. I know I sound like such a hippy but it makes sense to me to embrace that side of hippiness. Oh how I love life. I love trees I love beauty. Really, what on earth is more important than life and beauty? I don't think anyone could ever convince me otherwise.

This is what I do in my everyday life to reduce waste:

- eat little meat
- not buying paper: using the backs of already written on or photocopied paper
- not taking plastic bags at stores
- recycling every little thing, big and small
- using less electricity
- buying mostly organic foods
- no use of disposable menstrual products
- not buying conventional and chemical-laden soap, shampoo, etc.
- not buying conventional cleaning products: using things like
baking soda and vinegar
- not buying a car
- not using napkins
- not buying paper towels

This is what I want to start doing:

- buying different toilet paper & using less of it
- using less water in showers
- putting a brick or something in the toilet tank so as to use less water when flushing
- composting
- not buying new books
- buying more used clothing (more used things in general)
- using less tissue paper
- using less energy in my everyday life
- covering windows in the winter to conserve energy

If anyone knows anything about this stuff & can give me more info or suggestions please leave a comment. Or if you have any disagreements also.

confidence

2006-04-17T00:00:00.000-06:00

Woman. I feel like crap right now, as I often do after a family gathering. I feel inadequate and I crave attention and my self-confidence and self-esteem are low. Right now it sucks because I'm surrounded by the boys. I want to be alone but the computer is in a public place.

I feel gross and full right now. Anyways. I feel guilty about eating meat. I really do. I'm not proud of it. But at the same time I feel like I can't make any other choice. I'm not emotionally comfortable with not eating what other people around me are eating. But I feel guilty about it. I still feel like I've sold out. Like it's still wrong. The meat industry is wrong wrong wrong. Morally wrong. Immoral. But I'm still eating meat. Not very often, but still.

At family gatherings I feel like I have a chip on my shoulder. I get jealous and feel like everyone else has better talking and social skills. I feel like what I have to say is boring and pointless and I'm trying too hard. What I have to say is weird and neither here nor there, what I have to say doesn't start real conversations. I'm not natural. I'm too desperate to be listened to and found special and liked. I feel so insecure. I feel so insecure. I feel so inadequate and like I'm just not good enough. Just not interesting. When there are discussions with a lot of people I feel so stupid. I feel like my opinions suck and are irrelevant and uninformed and lame and stupid. Sometimes I look at people objectively and I'm like, this person just isn't any better than me, but I FEEL so strongly that they ARE better than me. I feel like they're just BETTER. I feel like they are more in life, better with people, have confidence, know how to engage with people properly, to really ENGAGE with people meaningfully. They have the guts to be in life completely, unlike me. At family gatherings I feel like I don't engage with people properly. When I'm talking to people I'm thinking too much about myself, and it makes me feel so bad. I feel so goddamn guilty about it. I feel like I'm thinking about myself too much, not concerned enough with having real conversations with the people there. I feel like I'm just talking so superficially. I don't feel like I can have real conversations with people. I don't like it. I've felt like that at family gatherings for years and years. In political discussions I feeli inadequate. I feel so sure that someone is going to blast my opinions and expose how ignorant and one-sided and biased and how completely unworthy my opinions are of being listened to and taken into consideration. I feel like my opinions in politics are flaky and unrealistic. It's too much about people. It isn't enough about "the bigger picture" or something. I'm interested in the bigger picture to an extent but at the same time I'm much more interested in people. Everyday people. How big political decisions affect people. It IS arguable that that's what's important. That's what I think is important. But I don't think that kind of thinking gets taken very serously. I think people take it as too hokey. It's hokey when we aren't the ones affected.

I came across a very interesting idea recently. That children should have more political say. I don't buy it sompletely but I think there is something to it. When I was a child my feelings were more pure somehow. I really wanted good for the world. I was an ardent environmentalist. I think I still really want good for the world but I feel more prey to worldly temptations like money and prestige and wasteful harmful self-indulgence and living in a blissful bubble. That scares me. I don't have complete confidence that I can resist that.

Anyways, later.

Yay Easter!

2006-04-15T21:06:00.000-06:00

Just writing to wish everyone a Happy Easter and Happy Passover.

Tomorrow I am going to eat like a pig!! Yay!! I will eat lots of orgasmic chocolate and foooood. I had the idea of having an egg hunt. There will practically only be adults but I think it'll be fun. I can't wait to eat all the chocolate. Mmmmm. I can't wait for the decadence!!

Anyways, I hope everyone has a good day tomorrow.

Most & Least Contaminated Fruits & Veggies

2006-04-11T15:03:00.000-06:00

By Ben Kim, D.C.

Have you ever wondered which fruits and vegetables are the least and most contaminated with pesticides? A study released by the Environmental Working Group in 2003 revealed the following:

12 LEAST Contaminated Fruits and Vegetables:

Asparagus
Avocados
Bananas
Broccoli
Cauliflower
Corn (sweet)
Kiwi
Mangos
Onions
Papaya
Pineapples
Peas (sweet)

12 MOST Contaminated Fruits and Vegetables:
Apples
Bell Peppers
Celery
Cherries
Imported Grapes
Nectarines
Peaches
Pears
Potatoes
Red Raspberries
Spinach
Strawberries

All of the foods used in this study were washed and prepared for eating prior to testing. Washing and preparation were performed according to USDA guidelines i.e. bananas were peeled, pineapples had their skins removed, and apples were washed and cored.

There's little doubt that thoroughly washing fruits and vegetables with cold water will help to reduce your exposure to pesticide residues. However, it's impossible to avoid eating pesticides that are mixed in with the flesh of fruits and vegetables. These pesticides are taken up internally from the soil in which the plants are grown.

Clearly, it is best to eat mainly organic varieties of the 12 most contaminated fruits and vegetables. If organic varieties are not available, you can add the juice of half a lemon and 1 teaspoon of sea salt to a basin of water and use this mixture to wash your non-organic produce. Sea salt, lemon, and water combine to form a mildly acidic solution that can be more effective than water alone at removing pesticide residues.

http://drbenkim.com/articles-pesticides.html

My Body

2006-04-08T12:02:00.000-06:00

It's really weird because for a while there I really thought I wouldn't be writing on this blog anymore. But I stuck it out and I find that I do indeed like having a blog. It's a place to put my ideas about stuff. I'm surprised at how many people have checked out my profile. I find it encouraging.
Anyways.
My body is such a source of stress for me. I have been stressing about my body for most of my life. The stress is not ending. It is continuing. The real stress about my body began when I was twelve. I'm almost 23 now. Will it ever end? Will I ever feel okay about my body? Now I can at least talk about it to a couple of people. But before I held it all inside. I want to cry. It's not fair that I have to feel like this about myself. I feel like God has it in for me. I feel like there's something that doesn't want me to feel good about my body. My body scares me. My body is my enemy. My body is unpredictable. I feel that if people knew what my body was they would reject me no question.
Yesterday I cried while I was in my yoga class. It was weird. I was upset because Kelly was making us stay in bridge pose for a long time. I was so mad because it was getting painful and she just wouldn't tell us to get out of the posture. I was so angry and frustrated and upset I started crying. I wanted to yell. Just thinking about it now makes me want to yell. But at the same time there was something good about it. I want to do more yoga. I like it a lot. I don't love it but I like it. I think it's good for me and is helpful but it doesn't make me deeply happy the way dancing does. Dance makes me happy in a very profound way. When I dance in a way that satisfies me I feel like a piece of the puzzle of my soul that has been missing is found and put back. I feel like the essence of me.

Susan B. Anthony

2006-04-04T16:38:00.000-06:00

The religious persecution of the ages has been done under what was claimed to be the command of God. I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do to their fellows, because it always coincides with their own desires.

-Attributed to Susan B. Anthony

I really like that. Very right on.

Questioning the Link Between Cancer and Industry

2006-03-28T20:35:00.000-06:00

By Wendy Smith

The correlation between soaring cancer rates and manufacturers' increasing use of toxic ingredients is much closer than previously thought, said Sierra Club executive director Elizabeth May last Thursday at Concordia.
Cancer has nearly become an epidemic because we live in a toxic soup of chemicals that are treated "as though they have constitutional rights: innocent until proven guilty," May said.
Our bodies have become petri dishes of about 500 chemicals that were unknown in 1920, said the 51-year-old environmental lawyer at the second Lanie Melamed Memorial Lecture sponsored by Breast Cancer Action Montreal.
"This is a vast human experiment conducted over a very short timeframe. But we are not lab rats. I never gave Monsanto permission to dump PCBs into my breasts," she said.
The proverbial ounce of prevention may be worth a pound of cure, but not according to the cancer industry, said May. Instead of removing these "ubiquitous" carcinogens from the environment, the cancer industry focuses doggedly on finding a cure—and on treatment, or as May put it, "burning, cutting and poisoning women with breast cancer."
When the cancer industry does discuss prevention, it wags the finger at the individual's lifestyle habits.
But if cancer were really a matter of unhealthy lifestyle, May mused, why would rates of childhood cancers have climbed 26 per cent since 1971? "What bad habits have these kids picked up? This is not a disease of childhood like chicken pox or the measles."
May worries that she may be part of the last generation to react with alarm at the sight of cancer wards cluttered with children. Her own daughter has already acclimated herself to her elementary school classroom where asthma inhalators and EpiPen injectors are common. "And she's used to the fact that kids get cancer."
"We keep getting told that we're winning the war [on cancer]," May said. "But I mostly see casualties. This is the only war I've ever seen where we never engage the enemy."
May related the devastating legacy of the Sydney Tar Ponds as an example of what a Herculean task it is to penetrate the steely defenses of government denial. The Tar Ponds are not actually "ponds," but the largest toxic waste site in North America, a Cape Breton coastal estuary clogged with 700,000 tonnes of carcinogenic coal tar. Residents in the nearby community of Sydney are staring down a life expectancy that is 10 years less than the average Canadian's.
"Their cancer rates are through the roof, they have toxic muck in their basements. And the Nova Scotia government and the federal government will tell you, 'It's just a mystery where all those toxins are coming from.' The one thing they're sure of, after spending $10 million on health risk assessments, is that [cancer rates there] have nothing to do with toxins."
The government blamed the high cancer rates on the lifestyle habits of Sydney residents. But a study done by Dalhousie University showed that nearby communities with similar demographics don't have nearly as high cancer rates. "These are the same kinds of people—they eat chips in Sydney, they eat chips in Glace Bay," said May.
If it's that difficult to get the government to admit that a 700,000-tonne toxic sludge heap is causing human cancers, it's even more of a challenge to confront the insidious danger of endocrine-disrupting substances, which lurk in seemingly benign products like plastic water bottles, said May. The manufacturers of detergents, pesticides, plastics and cosmetics are keeping consumers in the dark about which of their products are brimming with carcinogens by refusing to list them in the ingredients label.
"A lot of mascaras are made from coal tar. I don't think people would want to be applying toxic polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons to their eyelashes," May estimated.
May envisions a future in which water bottles bearing "endocrine-disrupting-substance-free" labels will line store shelves. For now, Canadian consumers don't even have that option. Manufacturers refuse to label which plastics are made with these substances, and federal regulatory bodies don't enforce standards to keep these chemicals out of the manufacturing process. "Our governments are scared of confronting corporations. What we don't have in North America is a basic right to know."
As government turns a blind eye to companies that market products with unknown amounts of toxic chemicals, evidence continues to mount that the human body is much more sensitive to carcinogens than previously thought. May says the most sensitive time for exposure to carcinogens occurs between conception and birth, when "one whiff of an endocrine-disrupting substance" can cause testicular cancer, the rates of which have recently increased by 300 per cent. To make matters more deadly, the chemicals to which we are exposed operate synergistically, which means they are more dangerous together than each would have been on its own.
"We have the right to a non-toxic body, we can remove from the environment the things that are killing us," May said. But that is up to us to demand, since government "tends to side with manufacturers."
May, who spoke animatedly for 90 minutes, urged the audience to pressure the government to reduce unnecessary exposure by enforcing regulatory measures. Then, she thinks, "within a short period of time, we'd see rates go down.
"It can be done—other countries have done it."
Europe's strategy goes beyond enforcing stringent labeling regulations to manufacturing products that are "safe enough to eat." Cosmetics companies must list the ingredients on their products. Cars in Germany must be completely recyclable, which means that manufacturers are much more careful about the materials they use, since the car returns to the manufacturer at the end of its life cycle. European grocery stores refuse to sell North American beef from steroid-fed cattle. And every European environment minister undergoes body burden testing, which detects levels of carcinogens in the body.
For May, the detoxification of Canada starts with our own bodies and with "the most precious, intimate environment of all—the human womb."

hmmm i don't know what to call this post

2006-03-23T23:26:00.000-06:00

I’m afraid of being original. I really am. Whenever I have a thought or an idea or something that I can’t imagine anyone else having I feel like a weirdo and I turn away from it. Like what I wrote yesterday.1 There are some things there that I find too fresh. It’s weird. If I can categorize what I’m feeling or thinking I’m okay with it. But of course I’m not totally okay with it because it prevents me from doing something. Something else that I’ve been thinking is that my consciousness sometimes that I’m enjoying myself reduces my actual enjoyment. Like today I was sitting at school talking with Manel and as usual we were getting along well. We just get along and I enjoy talking to her. But then I was conscious of it and told myself, see, you’re happy. This is a good thing. You can put this in your inventory of good, normal things that you’re supposed to experience. So instead of really just enjoying it, I’m too conscious of it in some way. I categorize it, I give it limits. It’s not only enjoyment but a feeling of gladness that I’m feeling something normal that is condoned by society. That if someone like Peter saw me they would think, wow, she’s normal and cool. I’m normal and cool instead of just enjoying talking to someone. I feel like that partly prevents me from being completely alive. Anyways. Today I feel pretty okay in a lot of ways. I feel pretty normal. Bla. Normal isn’t good enough. I want some abnormal happiness. I want to have fun at busta move. I want to feel free at busta move. Maybe if I visualize. I think I’ll try visualizing myself letting go. But it’s hard for me to even imagine really letting go. Something gets in the way. It’s true that loving is like the best feeling in the world. One of the best anyways. It’s true. Weird. Why is it so hard to love a lot of people? Why is it so hard to love strangers and people we don’t like and etc.? If it would make things so much better than why don’t we do it? It’s true that if there were more love I think everything would work itself out. If we love we care. If we love we feel giving and forgiving and want positive, life promoting things. Anyways. I’m a split now. 1 I'm referring to a journal I wrote that I haven't inlcuded here

Interesting Quote by Gandhi

2006-03-18T12:50:00.000-06:00

The things that will destroy us are: politics without principle; pleasure without conscience; wealth without work; knowledge without character; business without morality; science without humanity; and worship without sacrifice."

--Mahatma Gandhi

UK

2006-02-18T14:21:00.000-06:00

I won't talk here about what I talked about in my last post anymore. It makes me very uncomfortable. Whenever I think about it I cringe internally. I'm realising certain things about that aspect of my life and seeing how I've felt without realising it. It's interesting.

Anyways, I'm probably going to London this summer!!!!!!! YAY!!! I am so excited but scared too. Who knows how long I'll be there. I'll just stay as long as I want or as short as I want. I want to leave this country and city even if I love it. It's almost like it's stale for me here. It's old and tired for me. I love Montreal but in a way I know it too much. It's too familiar, too much the same scene even if its relative smallness is something I really like. But I like England. I like the English vibe. I've always had a certain fixation on British culture. I find it so fascinating because it's like the home of genteelness and politness and civility and restraint yet it's the birthplace of so many wild cultures and movements like punk and raves and the Beatles and the Rolling Stones and the Sex Pistols and Trainspotting and etc. How can one and the same country have spawned both Jane Austen and the Sex Pistols? It's a fascinating mystery but at the same time that's what I love about it. I love contrasts and clashes. They fascinate me to no end.
Anyways, that's all for now.

So excited about finishing school.

sadness

2006-02-15T01:26:00.000-06:00

I wasn't able to sleep really. Thinking thinking I'm not sure why. Because I was thinking about the state of the world and it makes me so sad and that there's no point in me thinking that because it doesn't solve anything and what's the point of feeling sad about all this if it doesn't change anything. I wish I was interested in science so I could develop better ways of getting energy to make us more self-sufficient and less dependant on destructive things. But then I was thinking that the people from the big mean companies would come to me with a smiling face and fool me into thinking they're on my side. It also occured to me that they would come after me and kill me for possibly getting in the way of them and their profits. Evil fucking people. But I know there's no point in thinking like that. And feeling so fucking sad that even if I could do that it probably wouldn't work out.

I want to cry all the tears in the world because I feel death all around me. Death and apathy death and apathy. It scares me. More and more I'm feeling I have to fight fight. No way can I accept things. things aren't acceptable. It's so much easier not to care, not to see. A small part of me wishes I didn't know things. God I need to talk about it!!!!!!!!!!! I need to talk about it to someone who will understand, who won't mistake my motives, who will see me. I wish I could call Joanne this minute. But I won't because it's 2:40 in the morning. I need to talk to her I need to talk to her. Also the almost humiliation of calling her again after all these years. I will feel so stupid. But it has come to the point where I need to talk to someone who's an artist. I need artistic soul counseling. I think I need it. But when I see her I'm sure it'll be awkward and I won't be able to just get into it. It's a process of getting used to someone. And I'm so sure that tomorrow morning when I get up I won't feel inspired to call her anymore even if I desperately need to talk to someone like her. Someone who understands me and really sees what I am and sees beyond what I see, who helps me see sense.

It makes me so sad that there aren't more vegan people. It seems so logical to me. Every time I write about veganism I feel like a phony. I feel like I am what I imagine other people would think of me. I have a lot of trouble writing and talking about it with a feeling of honesty. Every time I write about it here I feel like I'm not just writing it to write it but because I want to convince other people to be vegan like me. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. It sucks because I really want to talk about it. But I feel like another version of me that isn't me. I don't think that is my motive. I really think I just want to talk about it. I guess it's best if I don't talk about it here. Better if I talk about it to someone who I know will understand, someone like my brother Martin who isn't veggie at all but is actually open minded, who I can be honest with without being afraid of offending him. He isn't out to make me feel like an idiot or like a fool or that I'm wrong and how dare I try to take a superior moral stance. It's refreshing. But I need to talk to someone about the urgency of what I feel. The urgency and sadness that I feel about the destruction of life. I tried to talk about it to Nathalie this weekend but she was immediately on the defensive. I couldn't even talk about it to Gina. I can sort of talk about it to my mom. I can talk about it with Lisa but I would prefer to talk about it to someone who isn't vegan so that I don't get into a self-righteous groove. It's hard to explain why but I would find it so much more satisfying to talk about it with someone who doesn't have the same concerns as me. I talked about it to Marion once and it was not bad. She didn't think I was trying to moralise. Once I said something disparaging about an imaginary meat eater and I think I could see that it made her start very slightly but I don't think she was offended. I wasn't trying to tell her that I think she's bad. It wasn't about that. God it's so fucking hard to write about this here.

Ooh fuck fuck fuck. My back is hurting. Don't you feel sorry for me? Probably because I feel all distressed somehow tonight and I don't know what brought it on. It's a need for action, for change.

Shawn Phillips

2006-02-14T16:41:00.000-06:00

I like this quote. I don't remember where I got it.

''Harmony will teach you how the wind blows in the trees and how the waves break on the rocks, but dissonance will tell you how the universe works.''

- ''iconoclast jazz pioneer'' Shawn Phillips

Hello

2006-02-04T15:10:00.000-06:00

HELLO HELLO HELLO!!! I haven't written in ages. Haven't felt like it but I kinda feel like it today. Weird. I began this blog over a year ago. Crazy. Time flies. Life is so interesting. I love life. Yesterday I felt really down at first. Then I was alright and I had an interesting night. It was good. Met new people, had nice conversations with family ... Sounds boring I know but it was cool for me. I want to explode. I want to explode onto the world and eat everything. Hug it and run around and yell and scream and dance and jiggle like a wild woman. I want my eyes to be wide open and devour everything in my sight and dive into the icy cold water and jump into the air and lose myself in the beats. Let the gods take me away with their beats. I'll sell my soul for them. No. I won't sell my soul. I want to get into the current of ecstasy. Yes ... I'm a wild hippy and how I could glory in it!!! I was always a hippy, a witch, trying to tap into, feel the power that's everywhere, that I have.

I've just had some coffee so feel wired ...

That's good !!! Fuck explaining!!! I don't want to explain. I love people who don't have the limits other people have. I understand the limits since I often feel them too, but I also don't have certain limits that a lot of others do. I love people who want to explode like I do. I want to explode and explore everything in myself and outside myself. I want to feel afraid and ecstatic and angry and weirded out and uncomfortable and feel the unending interestingness of everything and people. I want to run and jump. I want to feel harmony and purpose and love and lust and enjoy feel every minute detail of it all and taste it and relish it and feel its texture until I know it inside out.

Anyways gotta go .

cool quote

2005-12-28T13:13:00.000-06:00

I got this from this blog: http://tegendewereld.blogspot.com/
I find it super cool.

"I shall here write my thoughts without order, and not perhaps in unintentional confusion; that is true order, which will always indicate my object by its very disorder. I should do too much honour to my subject, if I treated it with order, since I want to show that it is incapable of it" (Pascal, Pensees 373).

Only

2005-12-28T12:54:00.000-06:00

Hi there. I'm just writing a little thing to write out a problem that bothers me. It bothers me quite a bit actually. So many things bother me. Ok, so when I listen to the radio, 99.9 the buzz, I get to hear all these rock songs. I find that the best way to know whether I like a song or not is not to think about it. Just let it come to me and then slowly when I keep hearing it I realise that I like it. So I got to really like this song by Nine Inch Nails called Only. I heard it many times and then realised, damn, that is a good fucking song. I would always start dancing without forcing myself to or intending to when I heard it. Then I decided to download it. I find that it's just bla when I download it. It doesn't have the same emotional resonance or something. I find it so upsetting, all these little details of life that I don't understand and that are confusing. Why is it that I don't enjoy it as much when I hear it downloaded? I want to enjoy it as much in any circumstance. Why does that happen? Why is it that I often enjoy the music more when I hear it on the radio? I find that when I listen to music that is downloaded sometimes I force it too much. I don't empty my mind and just enjoy it or something. Something about forcing myself. I tell myself, I'm supposed to enjoy this song. And then I don't enjoy it as much. Sometimes I enjoy things better when it's someone else who decides what the song or movie etc. will be. No expectations or something.
Anyways, that's enough for now. I want to start doing this more. I want to write out the little things that bother me because they really become real worries for me.

I'm out.

Dec. 22

2005-12-22T22:44:00.000-06:00

Hello hello hello.

Don't know what to write exactly. I had all these things in mind but don't feel like talking about it here. I will not say one negative thing. Although, why shouldn't I? I think it's a good idea but maybe it isn't. I don't know. I think Gabriel tried to clean up the mess he made. I'm glad. I'm not mad at him anymore.

I have a head cold. I feel so insecure writing here. I don't like the possibility of someone looking at what I'm writing. Afraid of people's criticism. It makes me so angry. It makes me so angry that I think it's okay for me to be cowed into not writing what I want to write. It makes me so angry that I feel like I deserve to feel that way. I don't deserve it. I'm allowed to think and feel whatever I want. I find that the things I actually think though are too often negative. Maybe that's true but I also find that I don't even see myself all that clearly. I'm sure I don't see myself clearly. I know it. I'm too hard on myself and when I'm stressed or in a bad mood or unhappy then I feel like I'm a bad, worthless person. I really feel like I'm worthless sometimes. This Saturday I felt that way. My parents had a big party for a family friend and I felt awful the whole time. Not as bad as I once would have, not anxious really, but insignificant, inferior in mind and interesting-ness. I don't know why I feel that way in that crowd. I feel crappy around Maggie for some reason. She makes me uncomfortable. But then I feel like there must be something wrong with me for feeling uncomfortable with her because everybody likes her and finds her delightful. I don't find her delightful. I feel like she doesn't know what to say to me and I don't know what to say to her. And she asks me the same boring questions everybody asks me "So what are you going to do after you're finished school?". I'm so sick of that question. And I feel uncomfortable around Sheilagh too. I felt like she didn't want to talk to me really. And then I felt like Martin mustn't have liked me and found me attractive like he did the last time. I think he was quite enchanted with me the last time we saw each other. But I didn't even like him this time. I feel like there's something wrong with me for finding fault with him when everybody else seems to like him and find him nice and funny. I find he tries to hard to be like his father and puts on a show. He's not his father. Why not just act like himself. I remember what he was like when he was a kid and I liked him better. Realer. You could plainly see what he was. Now he's affected and craves too much attention. Puts on a show, maybe tries to be something he's not.

I could write that I know why I found fault with most people at the party bla bla bla. But then I would feel like I would be invalidating all my feelings and belittling myself and saying, my feelings are not real etc, and the fact that I feel like that makes me so angry I want to cry. I'm through with that fucking bullshit. I'm so sick of belittling myself. I'm so fucking sick of it.

Powered*

2005-12-10T17:16:00.000-06:00

Hi there. Lots of things going on in my mind. Thinking about all sorts of things. Sort of remembering what I'm really like and realising that I've forgotten what I'm really like for years. Which is strange. For the longest time I've expected myself to be perfect. I've expected myself to be what I think I should be. A girl who always knows what to do, never shows her insecurities, doesn't feel or show that she's vulnerable and can be ... really flawed. Makes stupid mistakes. But why am I only concentrating on that? I'm too preoccupied with my faults. But I think I need to come to terms with my negative feelings about myself. I want to realise that I'm really cool. I know it, but I have to remind myself of it. It's like a revelation to me that just because I feel like someone else is better than me does not mean that they are. No one is better than me. I don't mean that in the sense that I'm better than everyone else of course.

I sometimes get this strange feeling that it's pointless for me to try to make things better, it's pointless for me to acquire life skills, positive ways of taking life and ways of thinking about things. Isn't that weird? There's a part of me that feels that life is tragic no matter what you do. That no matter how hard you try the end result is failure, tragedy, dissatisfaction. That it's inevitable that we lose everything. I often find it hard to find reasons not to think like that. But I also often get glimpses of life without that viewpoint, and it could be beautiful and full of possibility. But even then there' s a voice in the back of my head that says that that's bullshit, that it can't happen, that so many people have taken life in that positive way and ended in failure. That it's unrealistic to think in that way. It's a hard fight going on in my mind between those two life-views.

Anyways, goodbye for now.

*I chose to name this entry "Powered" because I've decided that whenever I don't know what title to give my entry I'll randomly choose a word from the dictionary. That's what I did here.

hello

2005-12-02T23:55:00.000-06:00

Hey there. Haven't written in ages. Bla. I should be going to bed now. Things are better with my brother even if he still doesn't pick up after himself enough.

My brothers are cool. Sometimes I don't feel like talking to them.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a negative person. I think I am quite negative about myself. Sometimes I think I'm too negative in general. Like now. I often feel like I'm undeserving, that I need to learn a lesson. I think that's why I don't do this I don't do that I don't I don't I don't ... I try to tell myself to fight those thoughts. I do, but I often feel like they're too strong for me. How can I possible vanquish those thoughts? I often try to anyways and succeed to some extent. I often feel like I'm a negative person. Then I feel bad about myself after thinking that and think I'm a terrible person because I'm a negative person. Which is pointless and the opposite of what I want to be doing. It's so so hard. I sometimes want to escape my mind because of the onslaught of mean things I think and feel about myself all coming like a powerful waterfall on me. They actually make me want to scream. I want to yell at them to get the fuck out, but I know that won't actually make them go away. I have to do it calmly and collectedly and in a determined manner.

Anyways, I just wanted to write something. Good night.

pissed

2005-11-08T21:34:00.000-06:00

I fucking hate my fucking asshole brother. He is the biggest lazy ass in the world. Selfish, unfair, lazy, stupid. I hate living with him. I am so angry right now I want to cry. I wish I could beat him up with a fucking baseball hat. Not really, but that's how fucking mad I am. I hate being mad I hate being mad. I never feel like talking to him because he never lets me express my dissatisfaction. He just tells me to shut the fuck up and that I'm a fucking bitch if ever I'm mad at him. Next time he ever expresses dissatisfaction with me I should do the same thing. But no. I have to be the mature one. I don't want to be the mature one. I don't want to live with the slob. He does virtually nothing in the appartment. He leaves his shit everywhere. He leaves his dishes for days. Never cleans up anything. Never takes out the garbage or recycling or brings up the recycling boxes. But you know what, it wouldn't even bother me that much if only he would let me talk when I'm mad. But he refuses to listen to anything I say. He refuses. He is convinced that he is completely in the right. At least it fucking seems like that. It makes me feel like shit. It makes me feel like maybe he's right. He seems so convinced that I'm completely in the wrong that I almost believe it. That's also what makes me so mad.
If only he would something around the appartment. Today I asked if him or Eric could bring the garbage somewhere. You can be damn well sure that he didn't do it. He doesn't seem to feel any responsibility around the appartment for anything except paying his rent and doing his dishes every couple of days. Eric does some things. He cleans up after himself and tidies up sometimes. Gabriel does fuck all.
Anyways, I'm still so pissed I want to cry. But at least I've gotten a bit out.
I feel like our relationship will get worse because I never want to talk to him anymore. I wonder why he ever talks to me because I respond to him in a very minimum way. I don't smile with him and I don't tell him things that are going on. I know I could be more mature and realise that not everything he does is to piss me off. But I feel like I can't tell him because he won't listen. And that's what I find so hard. That's why I'm so mad at him so often. I don't ever get anything out with him. It would be better if I didn't live with him. I would forget things he does and then we'd have a better relationship.
Of course it takes two, but what he does obviously drives me away. So he definitely plays a part in this.
Anyways, I gotta go and leave the room the asshole is in.
What's weird is that sometimes it makes me sad that I feel so mad at him, because I do love him and have affection for him. But I find it so hard to feel much else besides hostility towards him these days.

flowing (ish) along ;)

2005-10-26T16:57:00.000-06:00

Sorry. I hate it when I do that. Saving is like a reflex for me. Anyways, I still have some of the symptoms, like this one scary obsessive thought I've been getting, but I'm dealing with it as best as I can. I still find thatI'm sad a lot of the time. Not very sad, it's just this sort of light melancholy. I think it's partly because of things in my life and partly because of my attitude. I think I'm able to change it. I've been doing those cheesy thought changing exercises. You know what though? It really helps. It really does. I'm doing a combination of thought changing, yoga, dance, breathing exercises, therapy. I'm also talking more openly about things that are bothering me. I'm going to find a dance therapist because I need to lose control. I need to externalise my feelings more.
I've realised that a big problem I had when I was a teenager was making mistakes I make more serious than they are. Like on Sunday at work I made a stupid mistake in front of about thirty people. I thought this story that was being told to children by this storyteller was supposed to be in English. It was obvious that most of the kids & their parents were French but I thought, hey it's written down on the ticket and schedule that it's in English so it should be in English. Plus there was one girl there who didn't understand French. But I hadn't checked the ticket and schedule to be sure. The story was supposed to be told in French. It was a parent who got up and showed me. I felt like such a fool. I was so embarrassed. I was the hostess. I'm supposed to know those things! Anyways, I laughed it off and thought to myself that I'm not an idiot because of that. I make mistakes. Other people have told me about mistakes like that that they make. I also told Mario the janitor and Jen and at school I told Nikki. I just talked about it laughing at myself and saying how much of a retard I felt like. I talked about it. It made me feel better and now I've forgotten about it. Previously I would have been depressed and anxious for hours after or even for the rest of the day or longer.
One thing I'm having trouble with is feeling adequate with my brother Eric. He has a really strong personality and he's really persuasive and when he disapproves of something I feel like it must be wrong. I find it hard to feel like a really solid, confident person when I'm around him. I feel like I'm negative, weak, selfish, petty, cheap. When I'm around him I feel like what I have to say is wrong and stupid. I hate it. I feel like he's better than me. Has closer friends, is more decent, more polite, more honourable, a bigger person etc. I fucking hate it. I'm going to work on it. It makes me really angry. It makes me angry at myself and at him and it makes me not want to be close to him and avoid him and push him away. It makes me want to say fuck you to him. I remember when I was working at Europlus Sebastian made me feel a bit the same way. I was stressed out and felt like an incompetent around him all the time and I think he sensed it So he would feel free to correct me or criticize more than he needed to. I find it so fucking hard to know - when I feel that way around someone - whether it's all me or if there's a problem with that person too. I don't know if it's really Eric who's being out of line sometimes or if it's just me projecting my feelings about myself.
I find it hard to forgive myself for my imperfections. I realise that I almost expect myself to be perfect. I blame myself for all the less than ideal feelings I have.
Anyways. Damn I write well. ;p
I'll talk to you later.

2005-10-26T16:54:00.000-06:00

Again I haven't written in a while but I feel like writing right now. Wow. So much going on in my mind these days. I'm proud of myself in certain ways because I've been able to calm down my anxiety. That's encouraging for me. I think I definitely still have a couple of its symptoms but

'nother quote

2005-10-15T11:45:00.000-06:00

I have often been afraid, but I would not give in to it. I made myself act as though I was not afraid and gradually my fear disappeared.
- Theodore Roosevelt

Pretty encouraging, huh? I like it. It's nice to know that there are ways of winning over our fears. It's so interesting. I haven't written in three weeks. Don't feel like it. I like writing quotes.

nice quote

2005-09-24T12:22:00.000-06:00

'' You don't doubt your anger, your depression, your sadness, your sorrow, your misery; but you doubt all the positive qualities that you have. You doubt in your capabilities, you don't doubt in your incapabilities. Doubt the incapability in yourslef. Doubt your limitations. Then the faith in your capabilities grows ''.

I got this little quote from a kiosk at school. I don't know who said it. I find it very nice and uplifting. I hope it encourages the people who read it.

It's very difficult for me to doubt my incapabilities, but I'm trying hard to.

This struck me

2005-09-21T17:40:00.000-06:00

Some people, me included, believe that punk is just the most recent manifestaion of this, this spirit, this feeling, you know, that things aren't right and that in fact things are so wrong that the only thing we can do is to say Fuck It, over and over again, really loud, until someone stops us.

-The Time Traveller's Wife
from the novel by Audrey Niffenegger

Fever Pitch

2005-09-18T20:04:00.000-06:00

I just thought I'd write about the movie I watched this evening. It was not a bad movie. I'm so used to seeing cheesy stupid movies. This one wasn't too bad. I felt like it was just a movie I could watch and forget about stuff, because I need forgetting these days. Especially today. I'm so stressed about this new place. Sanding and washing and painting depresses me. I find it to be the most depressing kind of work. No. That's not true. Being a cashier in a grocery store is worse. And I don't know how I'll like living with Eric and Gabriel. I don't know.
I'm afraid that we'll get sick of each other. That I'll get sick of them in a way. For family, I feel like what's best for me is to see them once a week or something. I spent like the whole weekend at my parents and it was too much. I like to feel separate from them. I find that I'm really happy to spend time with them when I see them once a week. So I'm afraid that living with Eric and Gaby will be smothering for me in a way. I thought it was a good idea before, and it may not be that bad, but I don't know. I'm scared that it'll make our relationship stale or something. Enough negativity!! It's not the end of the world if it doesn't go perfectly.

Yoga & Animals

2005-09-15T19:11:00.000-06:00

Hi there. I feel inspired to write again. Sort of. I have a lot of good quotes to put down. All about animals & how it's our duty to treat them as if they're fully living things deserving of a natural, good life. It's so hard for me to write that. I feel like I'm stepping into a cliché. I went to a yoga class today and damn it felt good. I still feel the effects of it now. Yoga confuses me in a way. Because people tell me sometimes that it's not supposed to hurt. But it does hurt sometimes. How can it not? In what way do they mean "you're not supposed to force yourself"? Because obviously you do have to force yourself in a way. It's something in which you're supposed to progress. Progression takes effort. It hurt a bit today. It was difficult for me to do some of the things and I was sweating and wishing we could get out of that posture. But it didn't hurt in a way that was unbearable really either. It's weird. Because some people say you're not supposed to force yourself in yoga, but I think you do. Not so that it's torture but so that you can move ahead in it. I don't know. It's weird. I like yoga a lot though. I feel like I'm treating my body as it deserves to be treated when I do it. I feel like I'm giving it care and consideration. Remembering the parts of me that I forget and don't know need to be tended to. I find that we forget our bodies and treat it badly. We let ourselves get stiff and fat and we forget that our bodies need care. When I do yoga I feel like I'm giving all my muscles etc. consideration.
Anyways.
So here are my quotes. I'm always afraid that people reading will internally roll their eyes but I want to learn to not care. I'm allowed to have the beliefs I have. I don't want to feel like I shouldn't be daring to burden people with my offensive opinions. That's rather difficult for me to get over. I find it kind of interesting that I feel that way actually.

"For modern animal agriculture, the less the consumer knows about what's happening before the meat hits the plate, the better.
If true, is this an ethical situation?
Should we be reluctant to let people know what really goes on, because we're not really proud of it and concerned that it might turn them to vegetarianism?"

- Peter Cheeke, Phd
Oregon State University Professor of Animal Agriculture
Contemporary Issues in Animal Agriculture, 2004 textbook

"You have just dined, and however scrupulously the slaughterhouse is concealed in the graceful distance of miles, there is complicity."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"True human goodness, in all its purity and freedom,
can come to the fore only when its recipient has no power.

Humanity's true moral test, its fundamental test (which lies
deeply buried from view), consists of its attitude towards
those who are at its mercy; animals.

And in this respect humankind has suffered a fundamental
debacle, a debacle so fundamental that all others stem from it".

- Milan Kundera
The Unbearable Lightness of Being, 1984

"(W)hen nonvegetarians say that 'human problems come first'
I cannot help wondering what exactly it is that they are doing
for human beings that compels them to continue to support the
wasteful, ruthless exploitations of farm animals"

-Peter Singer
Animal Liberation, 1990

quote

2005-09-05T20:15:00.000-06:00

"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise." ~Robert Fritz

I got this quote from http://wonderkatblog.blogspot.com/ .

Alex

2005-09-03T16:33:00.000-06:00

Hi there. I was just talking to Julie about how I wrote Alex an email on Wednesday night. I'm so sure he'll never respond in any way. I don't actually know, but I feel so sure of it. I feel like if he was intending on responding he would have done it by now. Julie was telling me that I shouldn't try to divine what he's thinking. What's the point? I can't know what he's thinking about it or me, or whether he's even seen the email or not. It still makes me sad though.
Maybe he hasn't responded because he hasn't seen it, maybe because he has a girlfriend, maybe he's too shy to do anything about it, maybe he's intending to write something back or something. Anyways. I DON'T KNOW.
I was in such a good mood after I sent him the note. I felt good about myself. Now I feel dejected, feeling like of course he has no interest in me. But I feel so strongly that he did have some interest in me. Now I'm going to be so so embarrassed and feel like a fool if ever I see him again, if it ends up that he just leaves me hanging. But I still want to see him again!!! I want his presence. I love his presence. He makes me feel light and laughing.
It's so weird, because usually when I have a thing for someone all I feel is lust for them. Or mostly anyways, but for maybe the first time in my life I've met someone I have a crush on whose personality is what I find loveliest. Of course I want him too. I don't like using that word here. Lust. It sounds so ... weird or something. Anyways. What I'm saying is sometimes I'll meet a male whose personality I really really like, but I don't feel attracted to them. Other times I'll meet someone whose personality I don't especially like or dislike but whom I would love to fuck.
Actually, now that I think about it I think what's made him desirable to me is the fact that I really like the way he is. I like his laugh, his smile, his attitude etc. Isn't that a mystery? It's such a mystery to me. Why is it that when you really like someone that's often what makes you want to have sex with them? It's so weird. I don't understand it and I find it fascinating.

my opinions

2005-08-29T04:59:00.000-06:00

Cautious, careful people always casting about to preserve their reputation or social standards never can bring about reform. Those who are really in earnest are willing to be anything or nothing in the world's estimation, and publicly and privately, in season and out, avow their sympathies with despised ideas and their advocates, and bear the consequences.
- Susan B. Anthony

This quote got me thinking. About myself and my beliefs. I have a lot of beliefs that aren't very "acceptable", beliefs that most people I know would find it hard to accept. I think I am a cautious and careful person though. I'm not entirely sure if I tame my opinions when I talk to people about them or not. I think I do. I don't feel like fighting with people all the time. I don't want to make excuses for myself though. So it may very well be cowardice on my part. Maybe I should try to work on that. I want to.
I still think capitalism is the scourge of the earth, even if I never discuss that with people. Almost never. I still think that our languages are structured so as to put women down. A lot of people hate feminists. Including a lot of women. I still think that it's great that some women decide not to shave at all. I think good for them. That's amazing. I still think that it's wrong to eat meat and dairy and eggs and fish for the most part, in our society where there is so much cruelty and waste and harm involved in their production. I think people who are diligent in treating their pets well and without cruelty but who eat meat & animal products and say that there's nothing wrong with eating meat are big hypocrites in that respect. Or people who have pets they love but who also wear fur. I hate fur. It's so evil. I still think that it's wrong for us all to be eating chocolate and drinking coffee when it's well known that it's produced with the use of child slaves. How is that okay? It can't be. At the moment I don't feel like explaining the things I believe. It's funny, because whether an idea you have is "acceptable" or not depends on where you are, who you're with. I like being with people who think differently from me for the most part. I hate the feeling of congratulating myself for having such radical (to some extent) and avant-garde ideas about things.
What frustrates me so much about all this though is that I can't be too hard on people because I do the whole contradictory thing myself every single day. I do things that I know are harmful and that go against my principles every day. It's so hard not to. I still love and respect a lot of people who eat meat etc. and who wear fur and think there's isn't much wrong with all that. It's like I separate people from their actions & their beliefs. I feel in my bones that people are good even if they live harmfully. I think I am and always was a good person whether I gave a crap about people's & animals' basic rights and the world and the environment.
When I hear people being hard on southern U.S. slaveholders and WWII Germans and people who are cruel to animals I think that they're all big hypocrites because we're still all doing the same damn thing. There is massive destruction and cruelty going on under our very noses and we're all too apathetic at the moment to do anything about it. Well, not all of us. But most of us. There are no excuses.
But I look at my parents. They contribute like most people to the crap in the world in their own little way (as do I), but I know that they aren't bad people in the least. I have so much respect for my parents. I still don't feel like the fact that we participate in the cycle of cruelty and destruction makes us bad people. Isn't that weird? So now I can't think that southern U.S. slaveholders were bad people, not any worse than us really. Because we are doing the exact thing they were doing. The every day WWII Germans who knew Jews and so many others were being killed by the hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of thousands weren't any worse than us.
Anyways, enough for now.

Tuesday, August 23rd

2005-08-23T19:41:00.000-06:00

Weirdness weirdness weirdness. Nothing really weird is going on. It's just that that's how I felt like beginning my entry. I really don't write often these days. I was away. I have to say that I've managed my anxiety reasonably well. I dealt with it a lot more positively than I might have in the past.

I feel like I'm always writing about stupid petty boring things. And so self-involved. Another example of me being negative about myself. Why should it matter so much that people might think these things about what I'm writing? I know it doesn't matter and I can convince myself that it doesn't, but it's still hard to write and not care about the dislike other people might have for me and what I write. It's difficult.

Time goes by so fast. So fast. I can't believe the past school year actually happened. Actually finished and that now my summer is almost finished. It makes me feel like what's the point of waiting for stuff to happen. I feel like I'm wasting time. What's the point of living waiting for stuff. I feel like I spend all my time waiting. The time is now, so to speak. I'm sick of living in wait. Like I'm always waiting for the time when things will be right and good. Yeah. I hope it's a habit I can get out of. I've been scared that I would die the past many weeks. Now it makes me angry. Fuck the thing in my mind that makes me spend all my time being scared and complexée and focusing on shit that's preventing me from being myself in the world. Anyways, I feel strange writing this. I don't feel like myself exactly.

So this year I took that expressive type dance class. It was okay. What is it I'm trying to express right now? I want to learn to live in the moment, even if I'm scared to. I want to stop always looking forward and backwards, or something. I want to stop analysing things and just do it. Something like that. Anyways, I'm going to watch a bit of tv then maybe keep reading Tom Jones. I have to copy a passage from it that I loved. Here it is.

"However, what she withheld from the infant she bestowed with the utmost profuseness on the poor unknown mother, whom she called an impudent slut, a wanton hussy, an audacious harlot, a wicked jade, a vile strumpet, with every other appellation with which the tongue of virtue never fails to lash those who bring a disgrace on the sex."

I find that there's such a hilarious and delighful subtle humour in this passage. It might sound weird but the "impudent slut, wanton hussy" bit is so funny. I love it. Anyways, bye for now.

hello

2005-07-29T17:22:00.000-06:00

I haven't written in over a month. I've just been in a whirlwind.

I'm going to my cottage on Sunday. I can't wait. Today was my last day of work. I didn't go back after seven oclock to work an extra two hours like I said I would. I didn't feel like it. I couldn't. I know this is a very boring entry. Too bad.

I'm listening to Harriet speaking on the phone in the living room. I like Harriet but I feel weird around her sometimes. I always want to please her. I hate feeling that way with people. I feel like she's better than me. Gutsier. More self-assertive, more sure of herself. It makes me feel inferior to her. I accept how I feel though. It's not the end of the world. I'll just accept that that's how I feel. I'm better at accepting how I feel than I used to be. A lot better. Especially with people. Now I often find what I'm feeling in social situations to be interesting. I find it so interesting. Why is that? I don't know, I guess because instead of it distressing me and making me hate myself I just feel the normal level of discomfort. I don't turn it into something bigger than it is. Not as much anyways. So I can just explore and examine how I feel in that situation. Like tonight I'm going to go out with a girl I became friends with in France. Last night we were talking on the phone and it was pretty awkward, but it was okay. We still want to be friends with each other. I still like her. But it was just awkward. It didn't bother me much though. It's just the way it is. It's interesting. Anyway. I'm gonna go for now. Maybe watch some tv.

attraction

2005-06-26T21:42:00.000-06:00

Bla bla bla. I'm allowed to write whatever I want.
I'm attracted to this guy. For the first time in my life I'm ...
Do I stop or do I continue. He makes me laugh. My senses feel stimulated when he's around. I love his intelligence. I love how he's so different from me. I love that he's not afraid to challenge me. I love the feeling of the challenge with him. Daring to challenge him and loving the feeling of being challenged. I love that we can discuss and I love the feeling of being wrong with him. I love his big smile. I love when he smiles. I love his presence. I love his sense of humour. I like his face that's not too good-looking but nice to look at. I like the fact that he's French. I love his slightly Indian looking eyes. I like that he's different from me. It's something that's always appealed to me. I love contrasts. That's why the people I'm friends with aren't the same "type" as I am in a lot of ways.
Today when I saw him I wasn't sure if I was still attracted to him but then he came into the office and I felt a small wave of attraction.

blur

2005-06-22T22:38:00.000-06:00

Hello there. I really don't feel like writing here at all. It's good that I write here before it actually gets posted on the blog. I'm really scared that people will get annoyed with me saying these things.
I love going to see flamenco shows. I love flamenco. I could watch it for hours without getting tired of it. It's like it's in tune with the rhythm of my soul or something. I'm going to have to go see one soon. I saw a performance yesterday and I'm seeing a show on the tenth. I want to see at least one more before then.
Bla bla bla. I don't know. These days are weird. I don't think I'm taking full advantage of my summer. I have to work a lot, which is a good thing in a certain sense, but I often feel on the verge of being pretty anxious. It's like I want freedom but I'm not sure what that freedom is. I just feel weird these days. I just need to get away. I need to forget everything for a little while. What sucks about this job is that for it to be bearable I have to encourage myself, tell myself that it won't last long, that there's just a few weeks left really. I just want to fly away and forget the world for a while. Maybe I'll manage to do that in August somehow. Maybe I'll go on a long canoe trip or something.
Who really knows.
I don't know. I just don't know what to write here anymore. I know that if I was in the right mindset I'd be able to. But it seems like I'm never in the right fucking mindset to be a fucking artist. Fuck. I want to dance but I don't know what fucking dance to do. I tried flamenco but I got sick of it. I'm going to try belly dancing but I'm sure it won't be the one dance I'll want to do for the rest of my life. I just want to get fucking on with choosing a dance I want to do my whole life. What the fuck? It's so annoying. I just don't know what to do with freaking dance. I would want to pursue flamenco more but in a more relaxed way. Less about remembering the choreography than dancing in a more spontaneous way. That's it I think. I don't like too much choreography. I like more spontaneity.
I don't feel like explaining anything anymore. I don't feel like explaining what I believe or write. Fuck explaining. I'm so bored right now. I don't want to just see dancing. I want to dance.
This blog is too tame.
Today I did go out and kept busy but it was boring at the same time. Bla bla bla

fears

2005-06-15T13:47:00.000-06:00

Hi there. I wanted to write because I have some interesting things going on in my mind. I wonder why I'm still scared. Is it because there is really something to be scared about or is it because I need to feel scared right now? I realise that I feel a certain safety in my fear. It's the summer so everything is different. My schedule is very different. A few of my roommates have left and been replaced with new ones. Chiyoko is gone for a few weeks. I want to go on a trip this summer but I don't know where exactly, how I'm going to go about it, whether I'll be going with someone or not. All these uncertainties are making me insecure. So I really think that my fear has quite a bit to do with needing it. It's weird. It's hard to explain. Like I need something to hold on to. Like everything in my world is chaotic and swirling and dizzying and I need to hold on to something familiar, something where if everything comes crashing down at least I'll have been prepared. I think that's what it is. I started feeling this way last Wednesday. I was feeling really happy and then all of a sudden I was very afraid. It sucks. My fear gives me the image of myself on all fours on the ground and the world is shaking. I'm on the ground so that I won't fall over. I want to be happy though. It's funny though, because I still feel pretty truly happy for at least a part of everyday.
I miss Max. I really have to write him an email.
I think some of my fear is justified though. I know there's something going on with my hormones or something and I wish I could just know what it is and fix it.
Anyways, I'll go now.

some relief

2005-06-13T20:37:00.000-06:00

Apparently there's nothing wrong with my ovaries. I got the results from the ultrasound this morning. I called this morning and I had " 'a chienne en tabarnac". I was so scared. But I still feel something there. I'm not as scared and miserable as I have been the last few days. I'm alright. I know it had a lot to do with my imagination running away with me. I'm dramatic and let my head make everything skewed and nightmarish. It can be a pretty alarming tendency in me. Anyways, I still have to see an endocrinologist to see if I have hormone problems because I have to get my period back. I find that I start feeling that feeling in my ovaries more when I'm thinking about it. Is it in my head or not? I'm not sure.
Anyways, that's all for now.

Wednesday

2005-06-08T22:35:00.000-06:00

I'm in a transitional period I think. I have been for a while. Though I have a lot of relapses into negativity, the general trend of my psyche is towards a positive attitude about myself and the world I think. Right now though I'm scared that I'm dying of ovarian cancer. I know that's extreme but I am. I haven't had my period in months and months and I feel something in my belly where my ovaries are. People have been nice and reassuring. I have an ultrasound tomorrow. I was feeling very worried and scared and sad for a large part of the day. I just hung out with my friend Janice and she was reassuring. I've been telling people because I realise that's a really good way for me to deal with stress, to talk about it to people. It makes things so much less scary. A few years ago I would have let it fester and grow in my mind but now I find people to talk about it to. I've told Midori and Chiyoko and Marion and Julie and Janice and my mom. I don't really expect to die, but it's still a worry.

Something noteworthy is happening in my mind. I'm letting myself feel and accept fear in relationships with other people. At a certain point I let myself jump off that cliff and see what happens. That's almost how it feels for me, because I'm slowly beginning to accept uncertainty and the unknown. It's the image that comes to my mind when I get to that point with people. Me jumping off a cliff into I don't know what. Not trying to control myself or the situation too much. Letting myself feel the fear and not turning it into worse than what it is. Also accepting that I don't feel the way I "should" about things in general. My feelings are messy and awkward and imperfect and not what I want them to be. But I tell myself that I can still live with them. If I was able to when I was a kid then I'm able to now. Things worked out for me when I was a kid even if I had distressing and awkward feelings about stuff. I was still able to have relationships, I was still able to feel very happy and have moments of great beauty.

movies

2005-05-26T22:19:00.000-06:00

Here's a movie "meme" that I've been tagged to do by Scott. It's about the movies you've seen/like/bought etc. Here it is.

Total number of films I own on DVD/Video: Hmmm. Well, I'm not sure. They're all at my parent's place but I guess I myself own only four or five.

The last film I bought: I bought Green Card and My Man Godfrey at the same time.

The last film I watched: In Good Company. Not a terrible movie but not amazing either. Watchable though. Topher Grace is really good and funny. He's actually a pretty good actor. I like him.

Five films that I watch a lot or that mean a lot to me (in no particular order):

1. Picnic at Hanging Rock: Oh my gad when I saw this movie it blew me away. It is so deliciously delightfully and deeply creepy. It was directed by Peter Weir and it's one of his early films so it takes place in Australia. I love it.

2. Green Card: I really like this movie. It has a nice quietness and spareseness. I like Andie MacDowell. Gérard Dépardieu was good too.

3. Les invasions barbares (The Barbarian Invasions): I liked this movie a lot too. The first time I saw it I didn't think it was amazing but I really appreciated it the second time. I recommend it. Marie-Josée Croze is haunting. The atmosphere is lovely.

4. The Fast Runner: There is an Inuit name to this film but I don't remember what it is. I never thought I'd include it but I find myself thinking about it sometimes even if I only saw it once months and months ago. That's a sign that a movie is good. Really quiet and powerful.

5. Maelstrom: I only saw the second half of this movie as I was flipping channels but what I saw I really really liked. Lovely and raw. Also with Marie-Josée Croze. It's a Quebec/Norway film.

I have to mention some other films that I really liked: Strictly Ballroom (Australia), Le goût des autres (France), L'auberge Espagnole (France/Spain), Le fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulin (France). (C'mon Scott, you have to admit they do make good movies ;p)

I'm surprised at how many French and foreign movies I've chosen. Hmmm. What are good American movies? I have to say I appreciate American Pie. When Harry Met Sally, Buffalo 66, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Sabrina.

I really love movies.
I tag Johnathan, Maurice and Nik.

Wonderful

2005-05-23T23:02:00.000-06:00

Oh my Gosh. I just had to post because I just saw Tavis Smiley (who, by the way, is so cool) interview Archbishop Desmund Tutu. Oh my Gosh he's my idol now. Wow. He just wrote a book called God Has a Dream and I think I will read it because what he said made so much sense and was so full of love. So please everyone go find out about Desmond Tutu!!!

Hello readers

2005-05-23T20:20:00.000-06:00

Hello readers. I have to write this for my own comfort. O.k. I've decided that if I want to keep this blog I'll have to really write whatever I want. I'm very embarrassed to have posted what I just did but it's what I felt like writing. I KNOW I'M WEIRD. I just have to warn everybody. I also have to warn you that I'll be obsessive at times and maybe annoyingly always go back to the same topics but I can't think of whether it'll annoy people or not. Also I'll probably be writing often enough that I feel self-conscious etc. I really really hope you won't take it personally because I really like you and hope you'll still read my blog. I'm contradictory at times but what can I do? I do appreciate you.

hello

2005-05-23T19:54:00.000-06:00

Hi there. I'm writing again. Feeling very self-conscious, which is annoying. Oh well. Maybe I'll keep saying I'm self-conscious. I can't wait till I find a job. I hope it's really close. I hate being bored. It sucks.

The other day I went outside and. The thing is, right now I'm thinking that it would be so nice if I could just write and not have to publish this. But then what often happens is that even when I'm just writing for myself I feel self-conscious. I feel like what's the point of even keeping this blog if I don't even like it that much and I'm just writing it for other people. I know I won't publish this because I don't want people to read it. I think that the reason I want to write is because I'm bored. Maybe I was a writer a few lives ago. What else was I in my former lives? I think I was a belly dancer. I think I was a medicine woman. Maybe I died of cancer in a former life. What else? I think I was Japanese quite a few lives ago. What else? Maybe if I write this with the intention not to publish but always with the possibility of it I'll find the stamina for it. I don't know. It's so freaking weird. I feel like today was a wasted day. Always playing with the idea of posting this. But won't definitely because it's stopping me Oh my gosh the beginning of this song is so damn beautiful. Why can't it be this way the whole song? It's so fucking annoying. So beautiful. Then it becomes garish and ugly. Oh well. I'll listen to it. I'm always afraid. I live my life in fear. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I'm not nearly as afraid as I used to be. But I want to get rid of more of it. I think I understand now what it is that's keeping me from fully feeling, enjoying. I think for years I forgot how to. Not too long ago I discovered how to smell things. I understood that to really smell something I have to connect myself to silence. I have to connect myself to emptiness and then I can. I realise that I have to do that with everything else. I have to live intuitively. That's how I used to live and it worked for me. I'm so used to controlling myself and it doesn't work for me. It fucking sucks. I have to learn how to move ahead with my heart. Tomorrow I'm going to see a movie with Mia.

I don't care.

Hello hello hello

2005-05-22T21:31:00.000-06:00

Hello. I haven't written in a week. Oh well. Do I have anything to say? I don't know. Listening to belly dancing music by Natasha Atlas. Not bad. A bit sad. I'm looking for a job. I have to find a job. There's no question I don't find a job for the summer.

Hmmm. I've found a very interesting substitute for cheese over pasta. You mix one part toasted sesame seeds with one part nutritional yeast flakes and some salt. You grind it all in a blender or food processor and voilà. Pretty yummy actually. The toasted sesame seeds give it a real depth of flavour. It tastes better after a couple of days. Like it takes some time for the smokiness of the sesame seeds to really be absorbed and permeate it all. Mmmmm. You keep it in the refrigerator. You can toast the seeds just by stirring them in a pan over a hot stove for a few minutes.

My horrible month of May is almost over. Thank goodness. It's so horrible. I travel three hours six days a week. Yay! I don't have to work tomorrow because it's Victoria day for English people and La fête du dollars or La fête des patriotes for French people. Weird how the holiday is actually different from one language to another.

I have wondered before if the word "holiday" originally came from holy day. Hmmm.

n.e.ways. Later.

untitled

2005-05-15T08:02:00.000-06:00

I realise that I'm not a puppet. I can't make myself feel things just because it's convenient and that's what I "should" be feeling. It's hard for me to accept that. Really hard.

I went to see a flamenco show on Thursday. I loved it. It made me realise that I have to take care of myself. It's easy for me to ignore my needs. When I ignore my needs I get depressed.

I love music and dancing. My soul needs them. I also need nature. I also need love. Every kind of love.

I realise that I'm a passionate person. I always have strong feelings. I've always been that way.

Amazing article in American Conservative. Yes. American CONSERVATIVE

2005-05-09T18:16:00.000-06:00

I hope some of the people who read my blog or who will land here will take the time to read this excellent excellent essay by Matthew Scully. I thought it was so good. It's about factory farming. I got to it from the website www.veganporn.com. The address below doesn't seem to be working as a link that you can just click on but you can cut/copy? and paste it.

http://www.cok.net/files/scully050523.pdf

weird girl

2005-05-07T12:47:00.000-06:00

Sweeping Booty: Funny way of saying Sleeping Beauty
banaynay: banana
tankow: Thank You
weegan: vegan
Mamaduke: What I call my mom sometimes
Yennifer: What I call my friend Jennifer sometimes
Machassussets: Massachussets
Ider know: I don't know

These are the funny ways I call things sometimes.

Wednesday

2005-05-04T22:08:00.000-06:00

Nor I, nor any man that but man is,
With nothing shall he be pleased till he be eased
With being nothing.

-Shakespeare
from King Richard II

This entry has nothing to do with this quote.

I was thinking about how I could communicate to my right wing uncle what bothers me about this world. Why I have a problem with his way of thinking. I can't stand publicity and commercials. Sometimes I get scared that it's taking over the world. That one day, they'll find a way of covering the whole world with advertisements. They'll find a way of getting into every aspect of our lives. There is publicity everywhere shoved into our faces. I hate that they're allowed to cut down all the trees to make money. That's the real world apparently. I hate that it's all about business and not about life. But life is of little imporance to those who want to make money. I don't mean their lives. When I say life I don't just mean human life. I mean our lives, animal lives, plant, tree lives. Life in general. As in how "life" is meant when we ask "Is there life on Mars?". Yeah. So life is of little importance to them. What matters to them is expansion, cunning strategies, winning. They don't care about the effect their ambitions have on life. It never seems to cross their minds. It is not part of their field of vision. They just don't give a shit about stuff like trees, animals, beauty. When I was a kid we had an undevelopped field behind our house. I loved that field. Me and my brothers spent hours and hours in there, having so much fun. I remember going in there by myself and glorying in the beauty of nature. That doesn't matter to anyone. The developpers who are there now don't care at all about the life that was there. The trees, grass, flowers, bushes, vines, groundhogs, mice, rabbits, squirrels, insects that were there are nothing to them. Not even worth a thought.

I hate Wal-Mart. I hate that ugly cheap soulless greedy shit hole with its sickening phony smiles that make me want to barf. I hate Disneyland and Krispy Kreme and McDonald's and Burger King and Home Hardware and Starbucks. I hate them. When I see the their ads and their logos I feel like I'm being lied to, manipulated, hypnotised, sedated. I feel mentally nauseated and this resentment that is boiling deep inside me. Why didn't I see it before? I completely accepted it before. It was all fine and comforting. I hate the people at their heads who have these beautiful visions of spreading their company all over the world. What a glorious thing that would be. I don't want their ugly ass. Why do they think they're allowed to take over the world? Who the fuck are they anyways? What if we don't want them? What if we're better off without them? They don't own the world any more than I do. I'm so sick of the fakeness of it all. I'm so sick of it. To me it equals death. It has nothing of real value. Nothing. Just selling and making money. Feeling like a big important man. Having whatever their senses desire. Personal accomplishment. Power. Making their vision a reality. Their vision. I don't want their fucking vision. Their vision sucks.

Anyways. I'm tired so I'll go sleep now.

Thursday

2005-04-28T21:53:00.000-06:00

I feel kind of shitty right now. I've been feeling a little low these days. I think it's partly because I haven't been going out with friends enough. Sometimes I'm afraid that no one wants to spend a lot of time with me. I know some people want to spend a lot of time with me, like the people in my family. But it's not the same. I went out with Tania and Alex tonight for her birthday. It was alright. Tania and me chatted. I always feel though that people like her, and Jen, and Sarah, and Janice, and even sometimes Julie, don't really want to spend A LOT of time with me. But I think it's more that I don't want to spend a lot of time with them. It makes me so sad. I have very close relationships and good friendships, but I crave intimacy. I felt really down tonight with Tania. I guess I'm a bit mad at her. She always finds time for her friend Rima who lives like right next to me. So it isn't about her being far from me. It hurts my feelings. It really hurts my feelings.
I'm sick of the happy stupid conversations I have with people. They're not stupid, but I feel far from myself. I don't feel VERY appreciated. I'm sick of the happy face I put on. I'm so fucking sick of it. I hate smiling and laughing all the time. I don't want to anymore. I don't want to smile unless I want to. I don't want to play the happy, lively, wonderful girl. It's not me. Not unless I feel it. When I feel it I am. I guess I'm afraid of seeming unhappy. I want deep happiness. I'm sick of surface happiness. I want rich experience where I feel like ME. I want to feel like myself. Sometimes I feel like myself. Sometimes when I'm with my brothers that I love so much. I want to feel completely accepted by other people too. I find it very very hard to trust people. To deeply trust people. I guess I often feel mad at my friends because they do this or that that hurts my feelings and so I don't trust them. I don't realise it very much when that happens. I don't trust that they won't automatically just leave me, because they're very capable of doing it. Like with Julie. I know on an intellectual level that she wants to be friends with me basically forever, but I get mad at her sometimes without even realising it. I'm usually the one who calls her. I'm sick of that. If I don't call her, what often happens is that she just won't call me. I'm like, fuck, thanks a lot. I tell myself that I don't care but I do care. Often I realise that the problem isn't necessarily me. Often it's just the other person. Like Sarah. I called her a few times over the year to invite her to do this or that, but she never called me. I know she liked me, but I'm almost certain that she'll never call me now that school is over. Marla is someone that I like spending a lot of time with. I love Marla. I wish I could be with her all the time. When she comes to Montreal we see each other all the time. I love being with her. But I even feel hurt by her sometimes. I feel hurt by so many people. Not necessarily because they've really done something but because I'm sensitive and I need to feel their appreciation constantly to feel like they value me. So I called Marie-Ève last Saturday because I had nothing to do. I left a message on her answering machine but of course she never called me back. Just fucking call me to tell me you can or can't. She's often the one who gets in touch with me first, but I feel like it's so often me who has to call or else I would fade into oblivion for them. It's a pretty shitty feeling. I'm so afraid of sounding like a loser. Of saying that it happens that I spend Saturdays and/or Fridays doing nothing at all at my appartment. Oooooh it hurts to say that. It hurts it hurts.
Anyways, enough for now.

musings of me in a philosophical semi-rapture

2005-04-24T23:01:00.000-06:00

"Well, I don't think sex is for everyone. I've been talking about a subculture of sexually highly evolved people, but there are also highly evolved scientists and not everyone is going to be a highly evolved scientist. I do see value in censorship in the sense that it adds to the excitement, it adds to the passion. When I go to a college and I show my video and everyone's ho hum about it, it's boring. I prefer when there's some controversy. I'm starting to get a sense of the value of the imperfections in the world."
http://www.mavericksofthemind.com/spr-int.htm

- Annie Sprinkle: prostitute, former porn star, artist, teacher, activist, writer, etc.

This woman is so amazing. Wow. I want to be like her. She is a true ... explorer. Reading what she says fascinates me. When I read "I'm starting to get a sense of the value of the imperfections of the world", I felt like I suddenly got an insight. I've never thought of that. Its never occurred to me. For the longest time I've felt like I have to know the truth. There is one truth and I have to know it. Today I was thinking and thought, what if there is no one truth? What if there are many truths? I felt like if I could get into the minds of every person I would agree with all of them. Who's right? I'm vegan and being vegan is very important to me. I think at least half the human population should be. I often feel like that is the truth. But I also realise that being vegan isn't the be-all and end-all of personal growth, of being a good person. It's not about being a good person or not. It's just about the plain reality of the situation, and being vegan is one reaction to it. To me it's like being on a journey on foot and I have to ration my food and water. If I eat all my food and drink all my water before I'm half way there, it doesn't mean I'm a bad person. It just means that I may starve to death. It's about making a decision to acknowledge the reality of what's going on in the world and to think, okay, what is it that I'm doing to contribute to this reality? What can I do to not contribute to this reality as much? That's what veganism is very much about for me. It's also lots of other things, like respect for life and anti-anthropocentrism. But I hate using words like "anthropocentrism". Nobody takes you seriously when you use words like that.

What I like about this woman Annie Sprinkle is that she doesn't think that her way of being is the way of being. She doesn't act too much as though if only people believed what she believed, everything would be right. I think she asks questions. She doesn't assume to know everything, and in my opinion that is the key to true wisdom.

Do I think that if everyone were like me everything would be right? A part of me does and a part of me doesn't. I think that when people think like that (i.e. that if everyone believed what they believe everything would be right) it's because they're terrified of being wrong. Of course I'm scared of being wrong. I think fear of being wrong motivates a lot of our anger. A lot of my anger.

I've asked myself the question before of "Why is sex bad?". Why shouldn't people have sex? I know nobody says that out loud. But I find that there is this constant message that comes from I don't know where, that sex is bad. This woman believes that this adds to the pleasure of sex to some extent. Maybe she's right. I think it's also repressive though. I have trouble showing my sexuality. I feel like I was more sexually free when I was a child. Even now by writing this I'm mediating my sexuality through carefully chosen words and primness. I'm not all that prim and I'm not comfortable talking about my sexuality on my blog. I don't know what to do about that. I also believe that sexual pleasure is one of the most amazing, wonderful things humans have. I think it's like magic. But to talk about it too much takes away from its value because I don't believe that there are any words to describe it. I think the only way to talk about it is in emotional terms (for me anyways), and I'm not comfortable enough to do that here.

questions

2005-04-23T11:07:00.000-06:00

I've been tagged by Maurice. The game is to answer five or more of the following questions:If I could be a scientist...If I could be a farmer...If I could be a musician...If I could be a doctor...If I could be a painter...If I could be a gardener...If I could be a missionary...If I could be a chef...If I could be an architect...If I could be a linguist...If I could be a psychologist...If I could be a librarian...If I could be an athlete...If I could be a lawyer...If I could be an inn-keeper...If I could be a professor...If I could be a writer...If I could be a llama-rider...If I could be a bonnie pirate...If I could be an astronaut...If I could be a world famous blogger...If I could be a justice on any one court in the world...If I could be married to any current famous political figure...

hmmm. I tag anyone who wants to do this. It's cool. It gives insight into people's personalities.

1. If I could be a gardener, I would make myself a big apple orchard. I would make a big garden and grow lots of vegetables, fruits and herbs and use them in cooking. I would walk around in and eat right off the plants. I hope I would give a lot of it away to people who need it.
I would also grow lots of flowers and use my creativity to make a beautiful garden.

2. If I could be a musician, I would play the guitar at parties and get-togethers and have people sing together.

3. If I could be a doctor I hope I would have the courage to work for Doctors Without Borders or offer my services to poor people for FREE. I would also want to be a midwife and (in places where people have to pay to go to the hospital) and deliver their babies for free.

4. If I could be an athlete I would become a professional dancer and I would run to everywhere I want to go.

5. If I could be a lawyer I would be a hardcore environmental lawyer and try to make people environmentally responsible.

6. If I could be a world famous blogger, I would constantly try to explain to people why I think it's crucial that we drastically change our values and priorities: that our comfort and pleasure is not more important than respecting other people, animals, ecosystems. That though we have a right to thrive, we do not have a right to thrive at the expense of every other form of life.

another fight

2005-04-22T22:51:00.000-06:00

I feel very very wretched right now. I got into a huge fight with my parents tonight. A very horrible fight, and I don't even feel self-righteous. I'm also dreading waking up tomorrow morning because I know I'll be very tired. I don't want to talk about what we fought over. I mostly just want to cry. I feel like a horrible spoiled brat. I don't know why I don't feel more indignant. Because this time I really don't feel like I have much to say. I truly believe that I'm a spoiled brat. Why do I feel like I'm such a bad person when I know I'm not? I haven't felt this crappy after a fight in years. I'm so ashamed of myself because I'm not doing too hot at school. Sometimes I don't care too much but I do now. I guess what hurts me most is how mad my mom was at me. I'm trying to justify myself. Weakly but I am. I feel guilty that my parents have paid for my education. I feel so guilty that I'm not working my ass off to get straight As. My mom made me feel so bad. Maybe I feel bad now, but I'm pretty sure that it'll become anger. I truly think that I try very hard to be a responsible person. I'm very imperfect. What I'd like now is someone to make me feel good. I'd like to feel proud of myself. I don't feel proud of myself at all right now. Not one bit. I feel pretty low, even if I don't truly believe that I'm low. I think I'll stop now and wallow in my misery. I don't think anyone will make me feel better. I can make myself feel better, but it's such a long process. I wish I would acknowledge to myself what I really am. I second guess myself a lot. I'm not always firm in what I know about myself. It's more tonight actually. I usually know exactly how I feel about how I'm acting and whether I'm in the right or in the wrong. I actually don't completely understand why my parents are so upset. I feel it's more an attack on me than me hurting them. But they are upset, and I just feel bad. I think I understand why they're mad on an intellectual level, but I'm not feeling guilty about making them feel bad. I feel guilty and sad because all I feel is their anger. I'm not empathising emotionally. I feel too shitty about myself for that, and they're too mad to listen to what I'm saying. They're not feeling why I'm sad. They feel attacked. I don't see that so much. Life is shitty sometimes. Sometimes I feel worthless. Like right now. I feel like I'm the lowest of the low. I feel like a complete idiot. And why shouldn't I? Am I really self-indulgent? I don't know. Am I really ungrateful? I don't know. I just want getting up tomorrow morning to be over with. I feel like I have no right to complain. But that isn't true. Why do I have less a right to complain than anyone else? I consider myself to be a reasonably good person. I think I have a lot of good intentions. Why does me hating school make me a worse person? I don't want to grovel. I won't. I tried to say sorry but my mom pushed me away. I just want to go far far away. I don't want to talk to my parents. You know what though? I know my parents have done a lot for me, and if they decided not to help me anymore starting tomorrow, I don't think I would begrudge them at all. Why should I? I'm perfectly capable of doing things on my own. I know I am. And they've done tons and then some for me. I know that. I don't feel mad at them about it. I just feel mad at school. I want to call them right now about it. Do I dare? Brace yourself for strong emotions, girl.

woah

2005-04-21T12:18:00.000-06:00

I'm kind of horrified that I put that title for my entry but I was mad and upset when I wrote it. Should I edit it? If it was a journal on my own maybe I wouldn't. I probably wouldn't actually, but I don't feel entirely comfortable with it here. I think I'll change it.
(The title was ''Fuck'')

argh 2

2005-04-21T03:51:00.000-06:00

Fuck. Once again I published it before I wanted to. Yes. I'm saying fuck a lot and I don't give a flying fuck who it might bother. I can't get over how he just won't listen to me. I try and try and try and try to explain to him that I can't stand it that he does that sort of thing, that every time I talk about issues surrounding veganism he sighs, smirks, interrupts and generally acts like a condescending fucking asshole. What bothers me most is that I can't seem to get it through to him that that's what he does. He doesn't see himself doing that. How can I fucking deal with someone who isn't even in touch with reality? I want to scream at him that he's such an idiot. I was writing about this on this blog the other night, when it didn't work, and I was crying. It's so frustrating. I haven't gotten over our fight because to him he didn't do ANYTHING wrong in the discussion. To him it doesn't matter that he did that. But it fucking matters to me but he just doesn't see it and how can I have a relationship with him if he doesn't even treat me with respect? I don't give a shit what my mother says. She always acts as if it's both our faults. I'm sorry, but HE'S the one who is seriously lacking in manners. I didn't react the way I should have. I know that. But he almost never reacts the way he should. Why am I more in the wrong? I'm so mad at him and I can't even talk to him about it because when I try to he'll just act annoyed that I'm bringing it up again. It's not over. He's mad because he feels I have resentment for him. Yes, I do. Not as much as before but I still have some. If I admit it, he'll just use that as a reason not to listen to anything I say to him. Fuck he's so fucking delusional. It's so hard to get through to him. I know I have to change the way I react to him if I want him to listen to me. I don't give a shit if I'm immature and a spoiled brat. I hate him I hate him I hate him. It's now six in the morning and I still don't feel sleepy enough to sleep. Wonderful. I hope I can get someone to replace me at Stewart Hall I hope I can get someone to replace me at Stewart Hall. I have to finish my assignment.

2005-04-21T03:36:00.000-06:00

It's five thirty in the morning and I still can't sleep. Maybe because I slept for about 13 hours last night and also because I'm stressed out because I have an assignment due tomorrow and I still have half of it to do. I began reading for it, but then I began thinking of my dad and how he pisses me off so much. I got into a fight with him on Saturday. Eric was explaining that he doesn't want to become vegetarian because he wouldn't feel comfortable with refusing the food people offer him when he's invited out. I don't agree with him on this point at all, even if I understand what he's saying. When me and Eric disagree with something, it's still all good between us because we know we'll always respect each other's beliefs and feelings. That sounds fucking cheezy but too bad. Anyways, I countered that by saying that I think it's much more important to try to act in a way that is ethical than to be too worried about inconveniencing or offending other people. Of course, my dad HAD to fucking interrupt me and say "Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever". That's not exactly what he said, but it was something to that effect. The point is he interrupted and didn't fucking let me finish what I wanted to say, had no intention of really listening to what I wanted to say, had no intention of even beginning to consider it and give it a fair judgement. I hate him. I fucking hate him. I don't give a flying fuck about what anyone will say. He can be such a fucking rude, disrespectful, condescending
My beliefs are always a source of conflict between me and my dad. I think it's not so much that

yesterday

2005-04-19T16:43:00.000-06:00

I wrote an entry last night that I liked but it didn't work so I lost it. Which sucks. Anyways. I'm tired and I'm hungry. I saw Kristina today while walking to work. It was cool to see how she was doing. She's the same. Europlus. It was an experience but it wasn't the place for me. I find the people there hard. You have to have a certain kind of personality to thrive there. I wouldn't have been able to work there as much as she does, although I guess the fact that she lives right next to it makes it not too bad. She isn't working there this summer. Lucky girl. I don't like Pascale. I really don't like Pascale. She is not my type of person. There are some people who are not my type of person but I still think they're good people, and there are some who I don't think are good people. It's not just that we don't have anything to say to each other, it's personal. I think she has qualities, but not the more important ones I respect.
I hated it when there were constantly customers. I couldn't stand it actually. I think what I want is to work one on one with people, or maybe with a couple of people. I like talking to people, I don't really like serving people. I also like helping people. I am so exhausted right now.

school

2005-04-13T20:03:00.000-06:00

I thought I'd write another blog since I'm so miserable right now. I'm not sure why. One thing that upsets me is that I'm going to fail one of my classes. I'm ashamed of myself. I couldn't find the motivation to make the extra effort to finish it. How am I going to handle next semester? I'm thinking maybe I'll spread it out over all of next year because I'm finding it hard to cope with it now. I don't care all that much. But I do care a little bit. I can't believe I let myself do that. I've never failed a class. I feel like I'm being self-indulgent. I'm also afraid of how my parents will react. I think I'll tell my mom. I want to be honest with her. I don't want to lie. I might also tell my dad, although all he'll do is make me feel like shit. No. I don't think I'll tell him. He won't help things at all.

I feel like I need to justify myself. The thing is, I've made that extra effort so many times before. That excruciating, super-human effort to just do the work. I've done it so many times. I just don't care anymore. I don't feel like the effort is worth what I get out of it. The pain and stress of it isn't worth it. So what if I failed a class? I'll just take it again or take a class that I might like better and still get credited for it. I'm sad. I guess I still would have liked it better if I'd just done it. But I won't think about that. There's no point now.

I guess I'm also feeling a bit lost right now. I don't have the structure of school or a full-time job. I mean, I tell myself all the time that I want freedom to do what I want, and then when I have the time I watch too much tv. I hate tv. It's so depressing and loud and superficial. Blah blah blah. Anyways, I think what I need is the feeling of working towards something. Yes. That's what I want. I guess that's one of the things I like about school. I'm working towards getting my degree. I need to talk to someone about what's on my mind. Maybe I'll call Julie tomorrow. The thing is I can't tell just anyone that I'm going to fail a class, because they're going to judge me. They'll really see it as a bad thing. They won't feel sympathetic I don't think. They'll be like, "she's falling off the wagon". I would probably do that and congratulate myself that I'm not doing so bad. Maybe not.

Tomorrow I'm going to work and then I think I'll go eat out with Mum. I was going to write Mommy but that's so embarrassing to write. Anyways. I better go and keep reading for school. The work just seems so gargantuan to me now. It didn't used to.
Bye.

weight

2005-04-13T12:10:00.000-06:00

I feel kind of crappy right now because I've gained weight since last year. That fucking sucks. I bought these black 3/4 pants last year and though they still fit me, they are tight around the waist and my tummy fat bulges out a bit. I won't wear them anymore. One of my fears is that slowly, year after year, I will gain until I'm overweight and I won't have any control over it. It's been since I became vegan I guess. Though I feel like I eat healthier than I ever have, I think that all the carbohydrates are making me slightly fatter. I'm so terrified because I feel like I have no control over it. I mean, I also do more exercise than I used to too. I always walk up the stairs rather than take the escalator in the metro, I walk a lot, I dance. So I feel like it doesn't matter what I do, I still gain weight. It frustrates me that I have no control over it. I mean, I guess if I look at it in another way, I do have control over it. It was my choice to become vegan. What I eat is my choice. It's my choice to eat nuts and figs and peanut butter and coconut. But I don't know how to reduce or change what I eat. I'm not sure how to go about it. Because when I lost weight a few years ago it was very obvious to me. I knew exactly what it was that had made me gain. I just ate too much and badly. Now I eat very well and not too much. Not more than I did. I don't think. Actually, I think I definitely eat too much often enough. I want to stop eating too much! That's what scares me so much. I don't know. It terrifies me that I might have a skewed view of what I eat. Like I'm not seeing the reality of it. And then what my reaction might be is to stop myself from eating, but then I'll get hungry and just eat more. So I don't know what to do. It makes me feel so powerless in the face of something over which I want to have real control.
But the thing is I still feel like I look good. When I look at myself I don't feel fat. I don't mind my body too much. I guess I'll just try to eat less. I'll take it very slow. I'll try not to eat after eight p.m. anymore. I'll take supplements of B12 instead of drinking tons of soy milk. I'm terrified that I don't have control over it. That no matter what I'll always eat too much. Why is it that other people can eat whatever they want without gaining weight. When I feel like this my impulse is always to go eat because I feel powerless. Oh well. I'll go walk after eating. Anyways. I'll go now.

argh

2005-04-07T00:03:00.000-06:00

I fucking published it by accident. Yeah, so anger is such a strong force. I see the strength of it in her and it makes me distrust her. There are some people I know who are not at all threatened by veganism and there are a lot of people who are. When I tell people I often expect a reaction of repressed mockery and skepticism, like they're saying to themselves: "Oh, so she's one of those now". Why the fuck does it bother them? I feel like they're judging me. Maybe I think that because I judge others for not being vegan sometimes. But it isn't just that. When I talk about it to Marion or Sheilagh I feel total acceptance. They know why they aren't vegan. They don't need to scramble for self-righteous reasons and feel angry at me. I respect them so much because of it. I'm like, wow, they are really honest and open. They're not trying to beat me. They understand their feelings towards it. I get this feeling of oneness, more with Marion, with them. It sounds weird but it's like our souls are touching. We see each others deep, honest motivations. Most people think they're too good to be honest to themselves about it and really deal with the issue. And no, I'm not saying that if they were honest with themselves they would automatically become vegan, so fuck anyone who may have thought that. My mom is pretty good about it. She also knows why she isn't vegan. I understand completely. She still has reservations about it, but she's honest to herself about it. She doesn't feel threatened by it and doesn't want me to switch to eating meat again. She doesn't need me to agree with her to feel validated in her choices, feelings, opinions. Veganism is very logical to me and I think it would be logical to a lot more people if there wasn't so much other crap attached to it all. Like not being able to give up meat and cheese and ice cream and milk etc. as well as wanting to avoid any feeling of responsibility for the world. I used to feel that way and still do to some extent. Because when you open that door of caring about the effect you have on the world, who knows when it will stop? It's a Pandora's box. It's so hard to be conscious of the horrors that are going on over which we have control. It's much easier to forget about it, keep living our lives, wanting and buying tantalizing stuff, not caring about our gas consuming cars, planes, everything. Not caring. The horrible, frightening comfort of it. When I think about this stuff in my mind I'm not trying to preach or convert people. But when I'm writing this stuff here I feel like I am. But I'm not really. Actually, I'm not, but I can't help hoping that what I'm saying will affect people. So I am trying a bit. I can't help but feel a pocket of hatred for everyone who isn't vegan or who doesn't try to do anything. I feel even more of that towards the people who don't do anything, don't want to and who actually make a virtue out of it. I understand them though. If I decided to do that, my motivation would be a feeling of complete impotence and helplessness in the face of the fucked-up-ness of the world. So why even try? That's probably why a lot of them do it and I feel that way too a lot. But I must take responsibility. I want to be a responsible, caring person. I feel so much anger towards those people up there who decide things. Who the hell are they? Why should I trust them? I don't tust them as far as my nose. All too often their god is money, even if they don't know it.
When I told my aunt that I didn't want to wear makeup anymore she answered with a restrained, strained voice, explaining why she wears makeup. Why? Because she still wants to wear makeup and feels inferior because it's like I know something she doesn't know. She feels like I know a truth she doesn't. I know for the most part why I don't want to wear makeup. I don't think she does. Why doesn't she just consider the possibility that it's because she feels like and ugly and inadequate person without it? Maybe that isn't the reason, but I think she wants to avoid even considering that. I don't think that wearing makeup is unnatural. But I think that the reasons why so many women wear makeup is a feeling of inadequacy. What they are naturally isn't good enough. Like they ought to be ashamed of showing their imperfections. Who do they think they are, anyways? I know most of them don't feel that way. I didn't used to see it that way, at least not on the surface. I thought it was about taking care of my looks. It feels so good not to wear makeup anymore. It feels so good not to put mousse or gel in my hair anymore. It satisfies me deeply. It's such a nice feeling of relief, like ok, what I naturally am is good. What a nice feeling. There are more important things than pleasing other people. When I tell other girls that they mostly don't want to go into it too much. They respect me for it, but they don't want to think about the reasons why they shave, wear makeup. They get close to defensive when I suggest that it's repressive. I think it is repressive and unfair and an unconscious campaign to keep women in their place. I don't think people consciously want to do that, but they do. I still do in some ways. Like when I see a woman who isn't ashamed of her fat, doesn't try to hide it, I feel angry at her. I think, how dare she show herself like that? She's disgusting. Why is she doing that? Anyways, I have to go to sleep now. Good night.

2005-04-06T23:59:00.000-06:00

Aaaaargh. I was lying in bed and thinking and thinking about things that piss me off. I want to write in here and not explain myself. That's fucking hard. Anyways, I was thinking about how my aunt pisses me off so much. It's about my veganism. Maybe I'm obsessed. Deal with it. There I go explaining myself. Fuck. Anyways, my aunt pisses me off. I just get the feeling that she's mad at me because I'm vegan. I see that strong anger in her. Anger is such a strong force.

short

2005-04-02T10:59:00.000-06:00

Yeah, so. I was so pissed at myself this morning because I forgot to turn on my alarm so I woke up an hour and a half later than I was supposed to. It wouldn't have been so bad except that the lady who gives me a ride was wondering what was going on so she had to stress about me. Damn. Why do I do that? I swear, I'm super puntual etc. for months and then I make a stupid mistake like that. Fuck. She left without me, naturally. Anyways, what can I do.
Last night I did my dance. It was alright. I don't feel like writing anymore.

I want to rebel

2005-03-26T11:03:00.000-06:00

Hi there. I'm tired. Very tired. As I always am on Saturdays. I want to sleep. But I have to work on my essays. Dance class was so scary yesterday. It put me down in one way, but in another way I don't mind it. I did my dance for everyone with the nice music I chose, and I wanted them not to like it. I wanted it that way. I don't think they hated it, but it wasn't what they wanted. I've figured out what my dance is about. It's about being able to feel worthy whether people like me or not. I want to learn how to feel like a complete person even if the whole world is against me. Because I don't think it really matters much if people don't like me, are annoyed with me, if I don't give them what they want. Not really. I wouldn't expect someone to feel worthless just because I don't like them and they aren't my style. And so I'm daring to explore feeling not liked. It's so scary but also exhilirating and liberating in a way. There's a part of me that loves it, because it's so scary that I can't help but feel every moment of it. And I accept that people will criticise it. I accept the criticism. I listen. I want to try to get something out of it. Daring to completely feel my feelings. It's so scary. I understand what I'm doing. I want to do it even if it scares the fuck out of me. I realise that it's a kind of weird coping strategy. I realise I've been doing that in general. Like with men. I used to wear makeup. I don't anymore. I realised that I only felt pretty when I was at least wearing some lipstick. So I stopped. I want to feel sexy without makeup. And if I am unattractive without it, so be it. The world will just have to accept it. I want them to find me unattractive so that I can feel that I still like myself despite that. I dare them to find me unattractive. I used to look for pleased, interested glances from men. I used to crave it. When it happened I loved it, but at the same time it made me feel like crap on a certain level, because it was like my feeling good depended on their desiring me. If a man didn't look at me I suddenly felt unworthy. Like I was ugly after all. So now, if they do look at me I like it, but I don't look for it. If they don't I don't feel like I'm automatically ugly and not worth anything. I was often jealous because I needed to feel like I was the most beautiful. I wished I was always the most beautiful and felt like a non-entity when I was with someone who was prettier than me. I still feel jealous sometimes, but I tell myself that I'm still a person, even if someone is hotter than me. I don't want to walk around the world feeling either ugly or pretty. I just want to be a PERSON in the world. Not a hot girl or an ugly girl. I remember looking at myself sometimes and finding myself so hot. I still do sometimes. But before I felt like shit at the same time. Like my whole identity was riding on being beautiful, such a thin string. My mom was so beautiful when she was younger. I look at pictures of her and she was so lovely and fresh and womanly. The thing about it that used to bother me though was that she didn't seem to enjoy her beauty enough. I had the vague idea that it had something to do with her maturity, but I found it sucky because being obsessed with one's looks (as I was, and to a much lesser extent still am) is addictive and pleasurable. I enjoyed it in an unhealthy way and so it bothered me to know that the more mature thing is not to be so preoccupied with it. I was addicted to wanting to be beautiful, to making myself as good looking as I could be.
A part of me always wants to please people but there's a rebellious part of me that refuses to.
That's what happened to me in high school. That rebellious part of me took over, because if it hadn't, then I would have been in even deeper trouble. That's what I'm doing by refusing to wear makeup, to dance in a way that isn't crowd-pleasing, to not care as much about what men think of my looks. Well. I'll finish now. Talk to you later.

school sucks

2005-03-22T21:02:00.000-06:00

I fucking hate school. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I hate school. I don't want to be there. I don't want to go to the stupid pointless classes. They're so boring I can barely stand it. I have to force myself to go to class now. Every time I go to class it's like a triumph. Every inch of me is resisting it. I can't stand sitting in class for hours learning stuff I don't give a shit about anymore. It's so boring. I don't want to go to class tomorrow. I don't want to go. I feel like I did when I was in like grade 1 and I hated school so much. I would have done anything not to go. That's how I feel. But I still want to do half decently in my classes. Why? Because maybe one day I'll regret not having taken it more seriously. But why? What is it going to give me? What is getting a B+ instead of a C going to give me in my fucking life? I don't like school. I've never liked school. I don't get much out of it. I guess some socializing. That's all I can think of right now. It's freaking boring and pointless. Why is it that school is so important. It's important in terms of learning how to do what you have to do. It gives you culture. I guess it is doing and has done some good things for me. But I don't want to be there. I don't enjoy it. I don't want to have to wake up tomorrow and rush to go somewhere where I feel so useless.
I've just decided what songs I'm going to use for my dance. I think it'll be good. Am I ready to be an artist? I don't know. Anyways. bye.

gorgeous

2005-03-19T14:12:00.000-06:00

Last night at my dance class I wasn't happy. I'm not exactly sure why. I think it was because I couldn't get into it. I was feeling crappy and negative. Why was I feeling negative? It's weird. What happened? Maybe because it didn't start out well. The way that we started was by putting pressure on another person and using them to stretch. I knew it wasn't working for me. I felt bad that I couldn't let go and just move the way I needed to. I needed to be alone. I wanted to be alone. I felt like I had to please the person I was with. I just felt like going off on my own. I think that really put me in a bad mood. I was in a bad mood before that too though. Why? What I find so difficult is that I want to move the way I need to; intuitively, without putting pressure on myself. I was putting pressure on myself. What frustrates me so much is that I find it so difficult to get into that zone. I don't remember how to, and sometimes I want to, I try to do the things that helped me before but it doesn't work. I get anxious. It's probably because I'm putting pressure on myself. That feeling I get is so horrible. It is awful and I just don't know how to put it into fucking words, movements, sounds. It is one of the most awful feelings I get these days. This feeling of emptiness and free-falling that I don't know how to express. I'm feeling it now, today. I'm also tired. What's the fucking difference between letting myself feel things and dwelling on something I shouldn't dwell on??? Huh??? How the fuck am I supposed to know the fucking difference? It frustrates the fuck out of me. I get these fleeting moments of harmony with everything, and many other moments that are completely unharmonious and horrible. They are moments that aren't supposed to be that way. It's like everything is wrong. Things are going in a way that they are not supposed to go. It's wrong. I should not be feeling like that right now. Everything should be going well and I should be feeling everything right. Fuck. That feeling of disappointment is so horrible I want to scream and cry it out until it's completely gone.
I could so easily go to sleep right now. I know!!!!! I'll go to the Library and take out a bunch of cds and choose a song for my dance!!!! Finally, I've figured it out.
I think I need to sleep to think more clearly and constructively. I have the feeling that I won't be going out tonight. That's alright. But I don't think I'll want to watch a movie or anything. I don't know what I'll want to do. Maybe just talk to my roommates if any of them are home. I might end up watching a movie with chyoko. I think the fact that I'm getting stressed about school work isn't helping either. Maybe I'll just listen to the music I'll take out. I wish I was allowed to take out more than just five cds. I'd take out like eight or ten or something. Maybe I'll try covering my mirror and see if I feel less self-conscious. I'm working again tomorrow. Maybe I could call someone just to talk. I don't know who though. Or maybe the boys could come out. Or maybe I could call home and gabriel would want to come eat at the vegan restaurant with me. I don't know. I'd call julie, but I find that I'm always the one calling her, so I'll let her call me this time. Julie is such a good friend. I'd want to go out for supper with gabriel, but I don't know if he'd be in the mood to talk to me. I think he's still really wary of me in terms of making himself vulnerable. I love gabby. Anyways, maybe I will call him and see if he wants to go and then he can invite someone and I'll invite someone. So yeah. I guess I'll end it at that. ciao baby.

appreciate

2005-03-17T17:51:00.000-06:00

But I definitely appreciate the people who do comment! Thanks, guys! :)

how come

2005-03-17T17:42:00.000-06:00

Hi there. I was just thinking how I'm sure few people bother to read what I write here. I'm not really insulted. I don't care much, but still, I would like it if more people would comment. I want to know what people think I guess. I want to know other people's views on what I think about. Anyways, I just wanted to say that.

What I want to do

2005-03-17T08:01:00.000-06:00

I'm so tired this morning. I think I'll go back to sleep. It feels so good to be able to wake up when I want to in the morning. But I haven't been getting enough sleep lately so I'll probably go back to bed because I'm tired again. It's another Thursday morning. I'm starting to get stressed about the end of the semester. I can't believe it's the end of the semester already. It's crazy. But essays are due soon and I have to get cracking. Arg. Anyways, I still feel relatively content. I cannot wait to finish school. It'll be so nice. I can't wait to finish my degree too and be able to start. I want to take more dance classes. I want to read. I want to learn. I want to go on trips. I know I'll have to make some compromises in terms of doing things that I don't feel like, but I think I can accept that. I hope I won't have to work full time, but if I have to, then I have to. I hope I'll be able to live downtown, but if it's too inconvenient, then I won't. I'll definitely want to be completely financially independent after school is finished. Maybe even during the summer. I'll see. I'll get a job I don't care about then I'll quit right before going to the cottage. I can't wait to go to the cottage. I've been considering going for medical testing to make a bit of money. But I'm scared to. I'm really not sure I want to take that risk. Maybe I will. I don't think so though. I really have to start thinking about what exactly I'll do for the summer. What can I do to make a decent amount of money? I think I'll be looking for a job that will give me considerable hours and won't necessarily be the funnest. Oh well, that's life. It won't last forever. And I want it to be downtown. I'm sure I'll be working some hours at Stewart Hall.
Yeah, so. I want to practice dancing more. I want to go clubbing more to dance more to music. I realise that after having gone dancing I move better. I have to say, I love getting drunk and stupid. It's so fun. And I've learned how to not drink too too much. I know when to stop now. I find it difficult to dance in my room because there's a big mirror. It's better when I don't see myself, because I can't help but criticise myself when I do. I want to dance without thinking about whether or not people will like it. I think I'm going to become a dancer. Oh my Gosh!! I said it. And a contemporary dancer at that. I can't believe that. But how am I going to do that? How am I going to get people to come see me dance? It'll be terrifying and gradual. Am I being serious? I think I am. I think I've decided. I'm going to be a dancer. Maybe I'm just saying it, I'm really not sure, but I think I am sure. Even if I might just be saying it, I am sure. I'll also do other things of course. Healing soothing things. Maybe I'll become a massage therapist also. I also want to do something even more practical than that. I considered becoming a midwife. Because I want to be competent in something that people will always need. No matter what, women will always be giving birth. Who knows? I still have a lot of time. Anyways, I think that's all for now. Later.

vegan

2005-03-10T17:01:00.000-06:00

Now. What do I feel like talking about. What issue do I want to discuss today? Why is it that I'm usually happy on Thursdays? I think it's because I don't have school either today or tomorrow. I think it's also because I can take my time in the morning and just do my stuff. This morning I went grocery shopping. I like grocery shopping.
What's an issue I've been ruminating? Well, as usual I've been thinking about my veganism and why I think everyone in the world (more or less) should become vegan. I never put pressure on people about it, because I know it's counter-productive and invasive. But damn, it's so logical to me I don't understand why more people don't become vegan, or at least vegetarian, because even just being vegetarian makes a difference. Whenever I'm walking to school or to the metro I think about the reasons why I'm vegan, and I become more and more convinced that it's the way to go. I've heard all sorts of arguments against it. In a way, most people I know are in favour of at least the reasons behind going vegan. Most people I know don't WANT to have a bad effect on the world, on nature. They don't want animals to live to be treated and killed horribly. When people say that there isn't much we can do about it, it's really because they don't WANT to do anything about it. Or they feel like it's pointless, that things won't change either way. Many more people would become vegan if it wasn't so hard to face giving up something they really enjoy. I didn't find it hard at all. It's weird how the transition for me was so smooth. I think it's because I was faced with it everyday because of my brother. And I respected it. I guess I had begun to think about it unconsciously, to think about what it would mean for me to become vegan. For so long it seemed impossible to seriously consider it. And it didn't bother me much. It's so weird how that changed completely. I would think about it and be like, hell no.
Everyone has the choice to do something about it, and that's a scary thing to face I think. Before, I agreed with the reasons behind it but I never thought I would ever become it. It was too huge, to much of a change, because in a way everything changes when you become vegan. You're automatically outside of ... something. It's made me see lots of things from a different angle. Where does everything we buy come from, who and what had to suffer. Anyways, I gots to go. Later.

nother blog

2005-03-05T09:25:00.000-06:00

I had another good experience at my dance class last night. I paired up with a lady and she did her dance for me. I tried to help her as well as I could. Then it was my turn and what she said to me really bothered me. I didn't like it. To her it was about doing something more to please the audience than for myself. I need to do this class for me. I don't care if I ''shouldn't''. I will, and that's just too bad for whoever it bothers. I'm actually a bit pissed off at the woman. I felt like she wasn't at all engaged in what I was doing. She was like a wall. She wasn't interested in me or really in helping me. She didn't understand what I was doing. She didn't get me. I find that kind of selfish, because that time was for me. She should have tried to help me in the way that I needed help. Maybe she didn't know how. She made me feel really bad. She made me feel like I was being selfish. But I helped her, so it was her turn to help me. I don't like her. Then, nikka could tell that something was wrong at the end of the class, so she started talking about it. I was really hurt and on the verge of tears. The woman explained what had happened and how she had felt about what I did. She said that the second time that I did my dance she just wanted to leave, because it was like I had closed her off. It's because I was reacting to the first comment she had made. She said in her first comment that she had found it a bit long. Fuck her. Too bad for her. It's not about her, it's about what's satisfying for me. Anyways, as soon as she told the teacher that she had wanted to leave after I began ''performing'' in front of her the second time, I started crying. I said that that's what had really hurt me. I felt like she was completely rejecting me. The others in the class sympathised with me. I don't think they were on anyone's ''side'', really, but they were nice to me. A lady in the class that I really like came and talked to me and hugged me. I find that she understands me. I really like her. She's more my style of person, she's really understanding. The others gave me a hug too and then left. The woman, sylvie, left without even saying bye to me. It's like she didn't really want to acknowledge that there was a problem. She didn't want to talk about it. She didn't want to stay and go through with. I get the feeling that she would have insisted that she couldn't have reacted any other way. I'm sure she could if she opened her mind. I stayed and talked to nikka for a while after and that helped. I was able to get it all out and then I felt relaxed and even satisfied. It was a good experience in a way for me, because what I want is to use the energy that is around for my choreography. I want to use any of the energy I'm surrounded by, in contact with, anything I'm feeling. I realise that I can find a way to move, but I need someone who will accept the way I do it. I can't do it for anyone else. I won't. So if ever it isn't ''acceptable'' enough to be shown, or if I don't want to, then I won't. I'm doing this class for me.
Anyways, I was in a good mood after. It was good to deal with my emotions in a positive way instead of swallowing it and letting it fester and poison my days. I feel fine about it now.

blog

2005-03-01T17:26:00.000-06:00

Hey there. Here I am working. I didn't sleep enough last night. I couldn't sleep. I've been thinking a lot. About this and that. I love writing and then feeling satisfied about it. It's nice. Yesterday I wrote a post but then for some reason it didn't work. Sometimes I feel satisfied after writing and sometimes I don't. What do I feel like talking about? I'm not sure. I think I want to say that I'm tired. I think I want to say that I don't like my boss. I want to say that I'm supposed to go out with my roommate tonight but I don't really feel like it because I'm tired and I have to study for an exam. It's frustrating because in my dance class, I can allow myself to explore movements and feel satisfied about it, and at home I can't. It's like I need a frame, a structured place where can express myself. I wish I could create that for myself. Like in this blog. Sort of set myself general guidelines, because though it is nice sometimes to just write whatever I feel like, it's also really nice to have a purpose when I write, to restrict myself to a certain direction. I think I would get a lot more out of it that way. But the thing is, I don't know what those guidelines would be. I was thinking maybe really trying to express in words things that I think about and feel, because what happens so often is that it's all a vague blur in my head, when I could probably learn things if I made it more concrete. What I'm worried about though is that I'll get too bogged down by one subject or another, when there are so many of them. I should be studying right now. Oh well. I'll study later and tomorrow. So I think I'll try that. That's what's so hard about life. It's hard for me to know how I'm supposed to feel, and I so often feel like what I'm feeling is wrong. For instance. About this blog. What frustrates me is that when I first started writing in it I really didn't care about what people would think of it, since I didn't have any contacts with people who would read it. Now a few people read it. In a way I like it, I like the fact of meeting randomly, but it also makes me feel more restricted in the things I want to say. I know I know. I shouldn't feel that way.
About guys. Now. I think it's only guys who read my blog (I wonder why) and I want to talk about my feelings and issues around guys. Because I think that would truly be beneficial to me. But I find it embarrassing to talk about it when I know guys will read this. I guess I still want them to read it, but I want to change my reluctance to talk about what I need to and want to.
Anyways, I'm leaving work now.

Saturday

2005-02-26T08:47:00.000-06:00

It's Saturday. Yesterday in my dance class I screamed. It felt so good. It was good. It was an amazing class. It was hard but I liked it. I was really expressing myself. I want to dance all the time. Damn it felt so good. It was stream of consciousness. I expressed everything I felt, so I think I know what my choreography will be about. So much to explore so much to explore. It was scary. I was saying all the things I was thinking and feeling. It was scary. I suggest you take dance therapy Jonny. It's just a suggestion. It was so hard. Anyways. So I will say something. It bothers me that you guys were having this exchange going. I want to be at the center of the discussion. I'm not proud of this, but it's what I'm feeling. But at the same time Zero, I can't relate to what you're saying. I've never really seen that happen. Maybe you should tell her. It doesn't sound as bad as how it's making you feel. Do you know what I mean? Anyways. I should try playing the field. I should try to go on dates and experiment. But you know what Zero, I know that being ''turned on'' isn't the primary element of love. But I think it's very important for me. Or maybe I just don't know what I'm talking about. I've never been dumped, so I can't exactly relate to what you guys have/are going through. It's rare for me to hear the guys' side of the story.

Anyways, enough about you. I'll have you know that I like to be the center of attention. And I wonder why more people don't comment on my blog. Isn't it interesting? I think I'm interesting. I think a lot of people would think it and I am interesting. And you know what, I don't want to please people all the time. I want to please myself. I'm pissed. I am so sick of smiling, of being sweet. I want to be at my cottage. I want to swim.

sometimes

2005-02-23T11:00:00.000-06:00

I don't know what to write about. I want to write about last night. Last night I came back home and then max's friend christof called. He knew it was me so he invited to go to this café/bar along with max. I wasn't sure. I think he's attracted to me and what terrifies me is that I'm not really attracted to him. I rarely ever feel attracted to anyone. So I thought maybe he invited me to make a move on me. The thing is, I just don't know what to do. Right now I'm a bit stressed because I have to go to freaking work and I haven't taken a shower yet. So I went with max. I'm writing names with small first letters because I don't want people (if ever they landed on this blog) to suddenly see their names. Anyways, it's so unlikely. So I went. It wasn't too bad. I sat next to christoff and talked to him sometimes but I didn't feel any chemistry. I never feel any freaking chemistry. It stresses me out. The thing is, what I get is the feeling that I have to like them. That if I went out on a date I know I would just stay superficial. I think I would anyways. It's so hard for me to talk about this. It's so hard for me to feel a real connection with people. To be totally myself and not play the happy wide eyed girl. To anyone reading, please don't say I don't have to be like that. Please. But I feel so guilty about rejecting people. And what stresses me out about writing on this blog is that I don't know how far to go in terms of what I'll reveal about my concerns. Do you know what I mean.
Anyways, I'm still coming to terms with my relationship with my blog. What is it? I'm so terrified of giving something with a guy a chance. I'm so scared of not feeling the right way. Because it would be so difficult for me to be authentic. It's difficult for me to be authentic, because though I can talk to people pretty well, I usually feel a block between us. Tonight I'm going out with janice. I hope we can have a good talk. I find it hard to be real. I know I'm often real, but at the same time I'm often not real. It's confusing. I don't know. I ... should give guys a chance. I want to for myself. Because I know I could be so great with someone. I've been able to have real real relationships, and I still do have some.

hello

2005-02-21T14:21:00.000-06:00

These days I don't feel like listening to music. I feel like being with myself in silence. You know what's a comfort? The fact that I can't really run a way from things. That there is actually no point in running away from things. So the only thing I can do is face it. That's very comforting to me. Because facing things can be scary. So knowing that I have to deal with it is good. Because the best thing I can do is deal with things constructively.
Today is the first day of my week off. I'm feeling kind of down for some reason. Everything is quiet and dark. I think it might be because it's cloudy outside. I've done basically everything I wanted to do today. No. I'm going to make spaghetti sauce so I'll have pasta sauce for a while. That'll be good. I made myself pancakes for breakfast this morning. They were good. I also bought maple syrup. It's a good sweetener to have. Not so processed and does not entail so much human and environmental suffering as azucar. In fact, to make maple syrup you HAVE to have trees around. Yeah. Maybe I'll go make myself a little lunch now. I don't have much though, which is annoying. I should make bread. No. I think I'll make tomato sauce now and then go buy some pasta.

essay

2005-02-15T19:53:00.000-06:00

Hi there. I have an essay to write tonight. I don't know if I'll finish it. I don't want to do it, but I will. I wonder if I'll finish it today. It would be nice if I did, but I so don't feel like doing it. Actually, I'm not feeling that horror I usually do at having to write it. I think it's in part because I had an exam today and I really studied for it. That made me feel good. I felt responsible. I'm going to start writing it soon. In a couple of minutes. I'm not feeling the horror exactly, but I'm feeling a pretty strong reluctance. It's now nine o'clock p.m. I will start in three minutes. It sucks. But I have to grab these moments when doing schoolwork isn't a nightmare for me. I think I have more motivation now I've decided that I want to finish my bachelors and then get the hell out of there. I just have to finish. I don't want to give up. I don't want to let go now.

2005-02-13T15:07:00.000-06:00

Sunday afternoon. What to do. I'm at my parents house feeling bored. Thank goodness I went to the library with jr today to do some work. Now I don't feel so bad if I'm not doing anything for school. I ate so damn much last night. I would watch a movie, but I don't think there's anything here that I would particularly want to watch. If one of the boys was here maybe I would. We could watch something together. Maybe I should go for a walk. But I don't really feel like going for a walk. I feel like ... I don't know. Maybe I'll read some more. I don't want to watch tv. Sometimes I find watching tv incredibly depressing. It depresses me so much. There's so much crap and false smiles and false happiness and false reality. There's nothing to it. It actually makes me cringe sometimes. The thought of it makes me cringe. Yuk. Especially commercials, but not only commercials. Also stupid shows like Gilmore Girls or Seventh Heaven or the Drew Carrey Show or Smallville. Ugh. I have to say, I like American Idol, The Apprentice, ER, Nanny 911, Seinfeld, That 70's Show and when there are good movies on tv. The ones that actually make me feel good though are ER, That 70's Show and Seinfeld. I enjoy the other ones but they make me feel crappy at the same time. They represent everything I'm against. Especially The Apprentice. Yuk. It's also the whole concept of tv that I don't like much. Just turning on the tv to flip channels depresses me. There's nothing on. It's all crap that makes me want to vomit. Especially commercials. I hate commercials. The fact that they are a pain in the ass is just a fraction of why I hate them. I hate them. They are death. They are pure nothing. The one positive thing they have is creativity (in some cases). Other than that they remind me of a cult trying to brainwash the whole world: "Buy, buy, it's okay. Don't worry. This is the real world. This is your world. Go out, make yourself happy and comfortable and buy this stuff. You deserve it. You need it. You have to have it. What will you do without it? Your life was insupportable before this came along to make everything so much easier and more convenient for you. Your life could be heaven. Just go to the store and buy this. It's so easy. Happiness is now at your fingertips." I want to kill commercials. I want to throw up on ads and billboards and tell the motherfuckers who put them there that I DON'T WANT THAT MOTHER FUCKING SHIT IN MY FACE. DO YOU HEAR ME? I DON'T WANT YOU, I DON'T WANT ANY OF YOUR PRODUCTS. READ MY LIPS ...

NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

apple

2005-02-11T11:21:00.000-06:00

Hey. A Friday. I feel like talking a lot but I'm not sure what about. Wait. I have to go get an apple. I always seem to want an apple when I feel inspired. I'm eating a delicious apple. Anyways. I'm going to dance tonight, to try to get into another state of being. I really find the class interesting even if I find it frustrating sometimes. Why am I writing this when I should be reading Shakespeare? Now I'm reading King Lear, another harsh play. I don't feel like reading another harsh play. I miss his comedies. They're so uplifting. But you know what, I'm starting to appreciate Shakespeare now. When I start to read him it's like a rhythm. I can't help but be drawn into his rhythm. It's easy to start reading him.The words start rolling and I'm drawn into it. It's like a river that I'm drawn into, or a dance of words.
Anyways. I might be going to New York in March. When will I find my rhythm. Words come out and they aren't the words I want to come out. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like what I want to do and write and dance aren't acceptable. I remember what I used to do and feel and want when I was a kid and I think back and feel like it's too weird. Like it isn't acceptable. Isn't that sad. Sometimes I wonder how I'm ever going to be able to do what I want in terms of dance, how I want to act, what I want to say, how I feel about things and people. I remember feeling like I was so weird when I was a child. But at the same time I had a nice intimacy with myself. I accepted my weirdness more. People tell you to be yourself and I should do what I feel and want, but those are just words. People just say it. I really do believe that we live in a society where we must all conform to this little box. Maybe most societies are like that. I don't know. But it makes me very frustrated. I want to be free. I want to feel like myself. I want to. I want to have my weird feelings and desires. I want to have my strange ecstatic moments even if it's weird. I want to see sex the way I want to. I don't want to feel like how I feel about it is wrong. Why is it that this happened? I look at the world and I wonder how it is that I came to feel this way. For years I've been repressing myself. I still do to some extent. It's always about what other people think. I think I should stop watching tv. I really do. I enjoy it so much sometimes. It's so entertaining and relaxing. But I think I should let go of it for now. Except ER maybe. I don't know. I remember reading books, seeing movies, hearing songs and actually being in ecstasy. I feel like I'm incapable of having that anymore. You don't know how sad that makes me. Like the world's vision of what people are is too small for me. Anyways. I disagree more and more with my parents. Especially my dad. I disagree with school in some ways. I don't want to be in school. Well, I am. And I intend to finish, even if I don't want to be there.

lunch

2005-02-07T19:47:00.000-06:00

I feel like crap right now for a few reasons. At school Sarah was telling me that her and her boyfriend are probably going to break up. She kept talking about how sad she is. It was cloudy out today. I'm tired. I have to wake up at seven tomorrow to go to work. What is it that's bothering me? I feel bored. I think it might have something to do with school. Doing school work always depresses me. What else? I'm bored. I don't feel that excitement and happiness. I'm working tomorrow morning. I don't want to because I don't want to miss my class tomorrow morning. But I forgot to go replace Véronique two weeks ago. So I felt I had to do it because I know that Christine is really disappointed in me and thinks I'm too scatterbrained and forgetful. I'm still so mad at myself for that. If I do it again I'm pretty sure I'll be fired. Unless I don't do it for another year and really help her out a few times. I don't want to miss my class tomorrow. It stresses me out. I have to concentrate on doing school. Plus I don't feel like being at work all day tomorrow, because I'm working later on too.

2005-02-03T17:56:00.000-06:00

Hey. I haven't written in a while. What to write about? I don't know. I don't think I'll be using this as a journal anymore because it's kind of embarrassing to have all sorts of people reading it. So what's the point of continuing to write? I want to, but feel self-conscious because it's public. Plus, I don't know what to talk about. Well, one thing. I find it so weird that I'm so at ease socially now. How things change. I act the way I used to see people act and it comes naturally. It's a relief. It's interesting. God I love life. I feel like I'm just at the beginning. So much to do. So much to find out. Once I finish school. I love feeling independant. You know about my dance class, I don't feel like going, but at the same time I feel like I have to go through with it for some reason. I'm not sure why. I call it ''my stupid dance class'' in my head, but I feel like it's important for me to do it anyways. It's something completely different. It's a journey. I don't know what to expect. Like it'll make me discover something about my creativity, about what I want. Even if I don't find it spectacular, I find that I am tapping into something that I don't usually tap into. I'm acting on a different level when I'm there. Sometimes I feel like if I was let I could completely let loose. But when I'm there I almost feel like I'm in a lunatic asylum or something, because we're all acting weird and in our own worlds. Anyways. It'll be interesting.
I often feel frustrated there too. I still don't feel like I can dance as if I was in my room. Because when I'm dancing in my room what I look like doesn't matter. It makes me feel good. But there I do feel like it matters what I look like. I'm moving in a different way when I'm there. I'm not dancing for the joy of dancing, I'm dancing to express something in me. I'm exploring. I like it and I don't like it. It's not completely satisfying.

2005-01-29T10:48:00.000-06:00

Hi there. Saturday. I feel better today. Even if I'm tired. One thing I find is that I care too much about what guys think of me. I always feel guilty when I feel they're interested and I don't give them an opening right away. Why the hell should I feel guilty. I don't have to please any of them. I'm allowed to feel uncomfortable.

em

2005-01-28T15:40:00.000-06:00

With Em I feel uncomfortable. Last week we went out and I did like it. But now I don't feel like talking to him. I feel like it's a fake friendship. I act all happy and flippant around him but I don't act exactly the way I want to. What if I don't feel like talking to him? I feel like it was all a lie. I don't feel an especial tie to him. When I cross him in the appartment I don't feel like talking to him necessarily. Anyways this isn't healthy.

hi

2005-01-28T15:12:00.000-06:00

Hi there. I feel like crap right now. On Monday I forgot to go to work. Now I know my boss hates me. Then I was fucking late yesterday. Why do I do shit like that? It pisses me off. I don't know, I just don't feel that confident these days. I feel okay with my family, but with my roommates I feel awkward. Plus I'm full right now even if I ate like three hours ago which isn't helping. I didn't even eat that much. I feel like a fake. I'm also giving an assignment in late. Next weekend Dee and I are apparently going to go out for a drink. I don't really want to. I know I'll feel really self-conscious and like I'm disappointing him and making him uncomfortable. I don't feel like having to keep a fucking conversation going. I'll also feel a stupid tension and wonder if he's attracted or not. I'll want him to be but at the same time feel like it's so wrong if he is. And I wouldn't know how to act if he is. All I know how to do is kiss the guy if I feel that irresistible pull. It's so easy then and natural. So if he shows it I'll feel so bad about rejecting him and if he isn't then I'll feel like I'm ugly and unattractive. And I'm sure he's going to ask me questions about my personal life like if I have a boyfriend, when was the last time I had one. Things I don't want him to know about. And I'll feel so uncomfortable because I won't want to talk about it. Anyways. I think I just need to do some exercise. But I don't want to go outside. It's cold and I have to bundle. Anyways. Later
Anyways. What can I do. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't feel like going to my dance class. I don't feel like going outside. I don't feel like sitting here. I just want to shrivel up and die.

2005-01-23T22:17:00.000-06:00

Hey there. Sunday evening. I don't feel like being in school. My heart's not in it at all. It could be worse, but assignments, deadlines, stress is so annoying. It takes over my life. I don't want to do it, especially when I feel like it's almost pointless. It's an annoying chore. I do like going to school in some ways though. I do have interaction with some people, I do find learning interesting sometimes. So there are some things that I do like about it, but fucking homework. I hate homework. I hate essays. I guess I do learn some things through them, but every single assignment is such a fucking stressful emotional ordeal. I swear, it's actually an emotional ordeal. You know what, I'm going to swear, so fuck anybody who it might bother. You don't have to read this. I'm not going to be ladylike. Fuck ladylike. I hate having to ladylike. I want to swear and fart and burp and sit with my legs wide open as much as I want. It's like a fucking cage of lies. I don't want to care whether people like me or not. I don't care if someone reads this and is offended by it. Why am I writing this when I should be reading Shakespeare. Again I barely did any exercise today. It's too damn cold and I was tired. I slept. I needed it. It felt good. I'm a bit full right now so I don't feel like going to sleep. But I am tired. Anyways, later.

DANCE

2005-01-22T13:44:00.000-06:00

Hi there. It's a Saturday afternoon and I am TIRED. I went to bed at 3 a.m. then had to wake up at 7 a.m. I don't want to go outside in the cold I don't want to go outside in the cold! It's so horrible and I have to walk 15 freaking minutes to the bus stop. Oh well. Last night was cool. I loved the music that was at the bar where I went with M. I'm going dancing again tonight. I better call J. Yay! My mom is going to bring me to the bus stop. I'm so lucky. I hope I have fun tonight. Yesterday what I liked so much was that I did not feel in the least bit judged. It wasn't a beauty contest, it was a dancing fest. Everybody was just there to have fun, not to be the most beautiful, no to bump and grind, not to chose who they want to f**k. It wasn't about being good-looking. It was about the music and going crazy. I didn't feel like I had to feel good-looking. It was good. And going there with someone like M makes it relaxed because I don't feel in the least bit judged by him and he's also just there to have fun and enjoy dancing to the music. I was a bit uncomfortable to be alone with him but it's okay, because for him going out alone with a girl who's a friend is totally normal, and he's not at all gay! He's so easygoing and honest and a good person I can't get over it. Why aren't there more guys like that here. There are so many guys who think they're the shit. It's so annoying. Why can't they just be normal human beings? Anyways. E (me) is tired. I just don't want to post my real name. Well, I'm going to be taking this artsy fartsy dance class. I think it'll be good for me. I like the room it's in. It's right in the heart of downtown in a multi-functional building in a big, high-ceilinged studio. I feel so downtown when I'm there. I like it. I feel like I'm right in the thick of Montreal life. It's so typically artsy Montreal. I really think it could be good for me. I wasn't sure for a while, but I'll try it. Hahaha... Is not life grand?!!! Talk to you later :)

Friday

2005-01-21T10:01:00.000-06:00

Today is a Friday and I'm in a good mood. Feeling lusty for life. Tonight I'm probably going to go dancing at this club that M says is really fun. I think I'll like it. I'm listening to Nelly Furtado. Zero hasn't responded to my last entry. I'm kind of glad. Maybe he'll stop coming to see my blog. In a way I would be glad. I'm always caring so much about what guys think of me. I'm always so afraid that they don't like me anymore. That they realise that there isn't so much to me after all. That's something that I'm going to work on. Like last night I got drunk with my roommates. It was fun, but one of them, C, was there too and he never gets drunk. He doesn't drink coffee, he doesn't smoke up. I felt like he really disapproved. I felt like he thought I was making a fool of myself and that he almost felt contemptuous of me. I talked to him this morning and I talked a bit about drunkenness. I really like him. I feel pretty comfortable around him. I'm not attracted to him but I like him. He's a good person. I also really like M. He's so cool. The thing is I feel guilty about getting intoxicated around people who don't do that. Anyways I'll probably talk about it with Marion tonight. I really like Marion.

P

2005-01-18T18:30:00.000-06:00

I was pretty embarassed that I posted that last entry. Oh well. Whatever. I know that it doesn't matter that people read this, but oh well.
Well I saw P again today on the street at school. Tomorrow I might attempt to do something that will put me in a situation where I can talk to him. I want to talk to him badly. But I'm so afraid that he'll be distant and cold. I'm so scared that he'll practically ignore me. I'm afraid that I'll feel the way I did in high school. I don't want to feel that way. What if he feels absolutely nothing for me in terms of attraction. I don't think I'm as attracted to him as I used to be. But I still am. I used to think he was so beautiful. I don't as much now. But there's something about him that draws me so strongly. I feel like I understand him. I love his voice. I like how tall he is. I want to see what happens whenI talk to him. I want to see what the chemistry between us is. I want to see how I feel when he looks into my eyes and talks to me. I wonder what would happen if he touched me. Right now I almost feel like I wouldn't care. Thinking about it isn't enough.

2005-01-15T22:39:00.000-06:00

Hi there. How's it going? Well well well. Someone responded to my blog. I can't believe it. Now I'm going to find it hard not to be self-conscious and make my entries contrived. Life life life. What can I say about it? It's weird. We're all so damned similar.
What do I want to talk about? In a way I'm glad that someone responded to my blog and in another way I'm not. I want to talk without thinking about it. I'll turn off the music. It's such a strange experience to write a blog. I've never had an experience like this one. It's weird. All different types of experiences. It's kind of interesting to see how I respond to different experiences. I like it. I like life. I like wondering what I'll do tomorrow. Bla bla bla. I'm bored with myself right now.
Fuck! I wish no one had fucking responded to my blog. Now I feel so self-conscious! I hate it. I want to pour out my soul, but what if there isn't really anything for me to say? What do I want to talk about. You know what I could do? I could just delete this when I'm done, so it doesn't matter what I write. What did I do today? I got up and walked to CK's to get a lift to work, but then she was starting later, but I got to SH not too late. Then ... all this puke coming out. This boring puke that I can't help. Am I an artist? Am I unique. Oh yes I am. I'm so unique and wonderful, and I'm able to to dazzle everyone with my insights, and who the fuck cares? This is all bullshit anyways. Bullshit, but real bullshit all the same. Feelings are real, whether they're stupid or not. W e feel what we feel, whether it's selfish and illogical and contradictory. Sometimes I hate the world. No. That's not true. I actually love the world deeply. I'm so incredibly glad to be here you have no idea. Anyways, yeah so. Yeah so people's feelings are real, even if they're stupid. Stupid feelings like If only my fucking internet was faster. If only this or that. I hate those. They're so stupid. We live in a dumb world. That is so cliché. What am I trying to get across. I want to get something real across, because there IS realness out there. Behind the shit is real shit. The shit is actually real. It's real because it is shit. Does anyone get my meaning, or does it sound pretentious. Perhaps all of the above, perhaps not. What can I do? Nothing. Does anybody else feel like the cataclysm is coming. I do. I've felt it for a while, waiting waiting. Hoping actually. Isn't that awful. No. We all like other people's pain and misery. We all like it when there's a catastrophe. I like it. I'm being honest. I want to touch that raw spot. I want to get to the dirt and dig my hands in the real, smelly shit, like Sylvia Plath, only uglier. The ugliness. I'm sick of all the stupid beauty and perfection. There's puss and smegma and pubic hair under all that. And pores. and people who ... whooooooooooo. Do you all know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about the guy in the war who got an arrow in his leg and was in excruciating pain for days beacuse it didn't kill him. I'm talking about the inconvenient wounds. I'm talking about the days when your nose is running and you have no fucking kleenex. It's running mercilessly and you're desperate. What can I use??? Aaaaaaaaaah! Why does this have to happen? I have to face the grossness of it. I'm talking about ... Throw up. When you have to pick it up with a cloth, and actually feel its texture. Its beautiful shiny smelliness and chunks of old food. And you're wiping and you're smelling it And there are streaks of it left on the floor, or the carpet. DO YOU ALL KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. Pretty soon I'll stop being a drama queen. NO I don't want to stop being a drama queen. I'm not a drama queen. I'm talking about the time I bawled and looked so ugly. Or when you see an old person having to run and feel scared, I can't stand seeing the indignity. It's so ugly. It's so wrong, but so there. I love feeling scared sometimes. No I don't love it, but I let myself feel it. I embrace it and accept it. I touched something real. And I hope someones hates me. I HOPE someone hates me.

2005-01-12T21:27:00.000-06:00

Hi there. I realise that there are a lot of people who write their journals on theirblogs. It gets kind of boring after a while. I don't care whether or not anyone reads this. I have shit to do tonight that I don't really feel like doing. I didn't really do any exercise today. That's okay. I just feel kind of stressed and strung out right now. I need to relax and just zone out for a while. I need to not think at all for a bit. That would be nice.
I've been putting off sweeping the appartment for too long. It ends now. ;)

journal 2

2005-01-10T18:16:00.000-06:00

Hi there. I guess what I`ll end up doing is treating this blog as a diary type of thing. That way when I write my journal I'll have to think about what I'm writing, there'll have to be more structure and focus. So ... everytime I come back to my appartment I'm so glad. In some ways I feel like staying home when I'm there, but I know it's so much healthier to be at my appartment. I'm listening to Nirvana right now. I'm not really in a Nirvana type of mood though. Oh well. I'd been listening to Nelly Furtado too much. Me and my roommates are having a communal supper tonight, which is cool. What bugs me about this blog thing is that I don't know how to get back to a blog I read that I was interesting. I wrote a response to a blog written by a guy who calls himself SoulPadre. Anyways. I'm uneasy about making my location, complete name and details that might make it obvious to someone who knows me that this is written by me. I don't want people I know to read this and know that it's me.
It's funny. I remember when I first heard Smells Like Teen Spirit years and years ago I thought it was so beautiful. Things moved me more strongly then. I couldn't believe that there was such a gorgeous song. I felt art and beauty so much more intensely back then. I've noticed that I've actually repressed that in myself over the years, because I feel like I'm not supposed to feel that, that it isn't normal. Like it's unrealistic. In the real world people aren't supposed to feel things like that. I don't want that anymore. I want to feel things the way I used to. That's what I'm supposed to feel. I have every right to feel as intensely as I used to. Especially in dancing. I want to find that unearthly pleasure and harmony I used to get sometimes when I danced. I was on another plane when that happened. I was a goddess when that happened. I felt so beautiful and exactly like myself. I became the essence of myself in those moments.
I'm a bit bothered right now because T*** is coming for supper. I guess I'm a bit mad at her right now. She called the appartment today and only asked to speak to M**. I haven't called her since Christmas Eve, but she hasn't called me either. So that kind of pisses me off and hurts my feelings. I find it annoying the way she's distant sometimes. Anyways I'll go for now.