thinking

Hello there. There’s something about writing on word that I don’t like. Like I’m not connected or something. I rather it be on the internet but it’s like it’s too public. Whatever. I wonder what Sylvia Plath would have done if she had lived now. Probably would have been on medication. Probably wouldn’t haven’t have been so unbalanced hopefully. I feel for that poor girl. I’m not mentally ill like she was but I understand what not having control over your mind and moods is like. And I understand how she felt about stuff too. I wouldn’t have a good while ago but now I do. The way she talks about stuff and people like it’s so very complicated and so earth shattering. I realise now that I feel the same way about things. I think a lot if not most people do because what she was doing was putting feelings into words. Feelings are very very complicated when you put them into words and try to explain their intricacies. I so understand.

( ... )

Anyways. I’m bored tonight. Bored bored bored bored. Writing doesn’t help me now really. It’s too … something. I’m so restless inside these days. I’m trying to find fulfillment in alcohol, reassurance from my mother, smoking, music, reading. None of that really fulfills me these days. Talking to Julie really makes me happy often enough. Talking to Lisa too. Actually talking to people is what makes me happiest and most fulfilled these days. Also listening to music. Also thinking about things. This summer’s shaking up has given me a new kind of consciousness. I’m more open, I see things I wouldn’t have seen before. I relate to people and their experiences more because I’m more sensitive, more empathetic so I listen more to them. I pay attention to things I wouldn’t have before. There’s really something to be said about suffering. In fact I think suffering can be the best thing that can happen to a person because … what is it? It forces you to … to … not take things for granted. And when you don’t take things for granted you look past those things you took for granted. You realise that those things aren’t just there. Actually you realise that they are there. You realise that that thing you took for granted is something that can be “taken away”, so to speak. You realise that things can change. And when you realise that things can change … it’s almost like you’ve been standing in a room in one spot for a long time and then all of a sudden you realise that if you stand in another spot in the same room what you see is very different from what you were looking at before. But before you thought that the room only existed in the point of view that you were looking at before. So it makes you realise that if there is one other way of looking at the world that means that there must be others. Not just those two. That there is so much more to the world than your own experience. It makes you value things more.
But that’s if there’s happiness too I think … I don’t know.

Sugar

"aka Sucrose, Glucose, Fructose, Kiddie Crack

(...) Drug addiction is defined by a three stage process which includes increased consumption, withdrawal symptoms when a dose isn't available and an urge to relapse even after the drug has been completely removed. Aside from common life experience of these traits by sugar users, clinical studies on rats have shown the addiction pattern at work. The more refined the sugar, the more intense the addiction.

(...) Sugar becomes a social problem because of three major factors. First, society is generally in denial about sugar's addictive qualities. Second, refined sugar is rampantly available in nearly unadulterated form in every single food store in the United States. And third, these refined sugar products are overwhelmingly marketed directly to children by adults who have no moral qualms about using sophisticated psychological techniques to manipulate six-year-olds.
(...) "

http://www.rotten.com/library/crime/drugs/sugar/

Sometime in Oct./Nov. 2006

Hello there. Life. I'm liking life these days. It's interesting and not too harsh. Fear of ...* is hard. The hard isn't just a word. There's a whole lot of meaning punched into that word. When I say it I really mean it's hard. It's a full word, full of real feeling. I think of life without that worry and life without it would be sweet. But I'm starting to think about it differently. Maybe it's a good thing in the long run. Maybe only because I have to. Because I have to but it's true at the same time.

*didn't want to say what it is

cool!

Wealth is the number of things one can do without.

-Fyodor Dostoevsky

It's not an earth-shattering statement but it made me laugh when I read it. It's so true. Unfortunately I feel like a slave to certain things in life, like the internet, my watch, BUYING STUFF! I really enjoy spending money on wine, clothes, food, etc. One of my faults. Is it a fault? I don't know. But I do wish I didn't like it so much, because then I would save more money. I'm not terrible with money though. I have always been in the habit of saving a certain amount, thank goodness.
Anyways, later.

Primo Levi

... a country is considered the more civilised the more the wisdom and efficiency of its laws hinder a weak man from becoming too weak or a powerful one too powerful.

- Primo Levi
Survival in Auschwitz

Believe

BELIEVE
From Run Lola Run soundtrack


I don't believe in trouble
I don't believe in pain
I don't believe there's nothing left
But running here again

I don't believe in promess
I don't believe in chance
I don't believe you can resist
The things that make no sense

I don't believe in silence
'cause silence is so slow
I don't believe in energy
The tension is too low

I don't believe in panic
I don't believe in fear
I don't believe in prophecies
So don't waste any tears

I don't believe reality
Would be the way it should
But I believe in fantasy
The future's understood

I don't believe in history
I don't believe in truth
I don't believe there's destiny
Or someone to accuse

I want you to try try
No needing to know why why
No kidding, no sin, sin
No running, no win, win

No angel, no girls, girls
No memories, no gods, gods
No rockets, no heat, heat
No chocolate, no sweet

I believe

I wish I was a hunter, in search of different foods
I wish I was the animal, who'd fit into that mood
I wish I was a person with unlimited breaths
I wish I was a heartbeat that never comes to rest
I wish I was a stranger who wanders down the sky
I wish I was a starship in silence flying by
I wish I was a princess with armies at her hand
I wish I was a ruler who'd make them understand

I wish I was a writer who sees what's yet unseen
I wish I was a prayer expressing what I mean
I wish I was a forest of trees that do not hide
I wish I was a clearing, no secrets left inside





This poem/lyrics gave my soul deep mournfoul thrills when I read it last summer. It just ... I don't know. One of the few poems I can stand reading. I love it. It's a personal feeling though, so I doubt many people will like it the way I do. But who knows? Maybe someone will. I just wanted to share it. I think one of the reasons I like it is that you're not supposed to understand it really. There may be a hidden meaning but I think the point of it is that it's everywhere and the message is vague, strange, dreamlike. You just take it for what it is.

bungalaboo

I chose to title this entry "bungalaboo" because I had no idea what else to call it. It came to me in a vision in the night ;) .
Anyways, here's an interesting passage from A Slender Thread by Diane Ackerman.

"Anxiety, dread, panic, aversion, depression. A small demonology of our age. It makes one anxious just to name them, and most people will eagerly perform any ritual, wear any amulet, intone any magic that might keep these demons at bay. But they warn us of potential dangers, so we can prepare. Indeed, the full bouquet of our cherished traits and tastes, as well as the bestiary of our negative behaviours, evolved at a time when humans lived in small bands of hunter-gatherer-scavengers. To us, their lives seem arduous and uncertain, but heaven knows what they would make of ours. The only thing is, we still navigate by their maps, still respond according to their instincts, still act like hunter-gatherers, though we grapple with problems they would not have encountered, understood, or valued.
Shedding the centuries, falling backwards down a time well, I picture the small bands of humans from whom everyone on earth descended. Our terrors are their terrors, our hungers their hungers, our pleasures their pleasures, our worry their worry. We speak the same emotional language. Only the details have changed, as our vocabulary evolved to cope with everyday life, but our emotional grammar did not. We carry many of the same psychic burdens, only the satchels are different, how we fill them, and where we lay them down. We're prepared for their world, not ours, and strain doesn't begin to describe how emotionally off-balance, misfit, and cramped we sometimes feel, as we try to improvise with outmoded tools. Anxiety, that masochistic terrier of one's own devising, played a life-saving role in our ancestors' lives by alerting them to potential threats so they could plan a response. 'A tiger may be in that grass,' one instinctive train of thought might go, 'it looks like the sort of tall grass tigers hide out in. If a tiger is hiding there and attacks me, what would I do? Did I just see the grass move? Maybe not. On the other hand, maybe I better check again.' By attacking what we value most, chronic anxiety slowly brutalizes one's sanity, burns up needed calories, interferes with work, and damages the body by flooding the tissues with cortisol, a stress hormone. Costly strategy, that. Obsessive worry about non-existent tigers might indeed lead to an infestation of stress-related illnesses, but overlooking only one hungry tiger could result in instant death."

This passage is only relevant, I suppose, to those who believe in evolution. I do. It struck me when I read it.
Anyways, I haven't written in a long time. Almost three months. It's been a bit of a difficult summer for me so I haven't felt like writing. Some good times too though definitely. I'll probably write again soon.